Of a searching pioneer and a stray voyager
by Indian Summer 2378
Summary: One year after Voyager's return, Chakotay did some genealogy and tells Kathryn what he has found on Christmas Eve. J/C and Shannon O'Donnell/OC.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a post-Endgame, pre-11:59 and Future's End _what if_ story.  
**

 **A huge thank you to KJaneway115, for her help, beta-work and encouraging words!**

 **No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

 _1996 – Shannon's apartment, Houston, Texas, Earth_

Shannon O'Donnell stood at her stove in the corner of the old-fashioned kitchen, preparing herself a late supper. It was only a light soup and she stirred it dispassionately while her thoughts wandered back and forth through her life. The life, _her_ life, that hadn't turned out the way she expected it to.

From the moment she'd sat on her parents' carpet, stunned into silence by what she saw on the TV screen, she'd had a clear goal. She wanted to do what the men of Apollo 11 did; she wanted to go out into space where no other human had gone before and set foot on another planet or moon. She knew the odds were against her, even if it would become possible to travel further than the moon. But a woman in space? That was unthinkable.

For her, however, it became a path of life and she did everything she could to make this dream come true.

In high school, she had studied so hard it made her an outsider, and many of her fellow classmates had made fun of her. But she'd never said a word because she knew exactly why she was working so hard. What made her life really difficult at that time was that even some of her teachers smiled at her love for science and they told her very early, and very thoroughly, that she should think of another field. Women didn't go into science and study astrophysics. Shannon didn't listen to their words, though. She was sure she would make it if only she worked hard enough, so she gave her best and more to accomplish her goal and show all those skeptics that she could do it. She graduated from high school at the top of her class and began to study astrophysics despite her teachers' words. The years that followed were exhaustive and for the first time she questioned her decision but in the end she accomplished it and she was proud of herself and very happy.

The day that was the happiest day of her life, however, was when she was accepted at NASA's astronauts training. On that day, she knew her hard work had been worth the effort and for months she did what she always had dreamed of. She trained to be an astronaut and to go into space.

She began to smile while she stirred her soup though the memory of those happy days led her involuntarily to the worst day of her life, and her smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. Not wanting to go down that road again, she decided that her dinner was ready and turned off the stove and filled her bowl. She sat at the table and turned on the TV, which she usually didn't do, but today she was in the mood for distraction. She ended up switching from channel to channel while occasionally taking a spoonful of soup. She grunted with dislike, seeing nothing significant or made for an intelligent person, until the spoon stopped halfway to her mouth as a news channel got her attention. Displayed on the screen was a flying object over Los Angeles and Shannon's skilled eyes could easily see that it wasn't a plane or aircraft she knew.

As the footage repeated, she narrowed her eyes, trying to identify whatever it was, but she had never seen anything like it.

"This cannot be true," she whispered, stunned, as a thought occurred to her.

Mesmerized, without taking her eyes off the TV, she grabbed the phone to call her best friend who worked at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and she didn't have to wait long until he answered. "Cooper? This is Shannon."

"Shannon!" he said happily despite the late hour call. "How are you?"

"Turn your TV on."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it."

She heard him shuffling and turning the TV on. She didn't need to tell him which channel she meant as she heard him gasping. "What's that?"

"I don't know. Could it be the reason for the rumors I heard?"

"Rumors?" he asked but she knew him too well to not notice that he was being evasive.

People had talked about an unidentified object in orbit at work but she hadn't taken them seriously. Until now.

"You know what I mean. The rumors about an object in orbit."

He didn't answer right away. "Yeah, I heard them too," he admitted finally with a sigh.

"Do you know more about it?"

"People here say that Jamie's friend who works at the Griffith Observatory has found something in orbit. It's nothing more than a rumor, though," he added quickly.

The broadcast began to show various UFO sightings of the last twenty years. Shannon rolled her eyes at the clearly faked footage and turned the TV off. "Can you ask her about it?"

"No. Jamie's off work since yesterday."

Shannon's eyes lit up. "Could it be that she was ordered to stay at home?"

"Why?" he asked incredulously.

"Because she knows something we shouldn't know."

Cooper snorted. "I doubt it. And the footage is probably a fake… like all the others." She heard him turning the TV off as well.

"Probably."

"Why does it interest you so much?"

"Don't know…," she sighed and rubbed her face. "It's just…," she said tiredly.

"Hard day?" Cooper asked gently.

"Hard day? More like a hard month."

"I'm sorry. You're still in Houston?"

"Yes."

"When do you have to go back to Alabama?"

"In about four weeks."

He heard the sadness in her voice and paused for a second. "You know, people are pretty excited and nervous here," he said just to cheer her up.

"You don't have to say this only to cheer me up," she said. Nevertheless a small smile tugged at her lips.

"It is true," he said firmly, not knowing why he tried to convince her. "It's possible that something's going on! And it could be the object we just saw."

Shannon stared at the black TV screen. "You really think so?" she asked absently.

"Yes!" he said a little too exuberantly.

She stayed quiet, contemplating the last few minutes.

"Shannon? Are you still there?" Cooper asked after a moment.

"Yes." She shook her head, clearing her mind. "I'm here." She took the little moon orbiter in her hands her father had given her back in the 1960's and looked dreamily at it. "Wouldn't it be exciting if it's real?" She smiled. "If that… object is some kind of ship there are so many questions…"

"We don't know anything for sure," Cooper tried to stop her even though he was glad that she sounded happier now.

"This could be the moment we've been waiting for our entire life."

"You, maybe."

"Come on, it's great."

"We don't know anything," he repeated, already feeling guilty that he had tried to cheer her up by lying.

"Yeah, but we could find out. What do you say? Are you up for a spontaneous visit?"

"You're always welcome at my casa," he said, a wide smile evident in his voice.

Shannon laughed. "Give me a couple of days."

"I'll be waiting for you."

"I'll call as soon as I know when I'll be there."

"Great. And Shannon…" He tried again. "It's probably nothing."

"Probably," she agreed. "It's a welcome distraction, though."

"I understand. See you."

"Looking forward to it."

She hung up the phone, laid the orbiter to the side and rubbed her hands together. She had a trip to plan.

She had no idea why, but this… whatever it was didn't leave her mind. Not the next morning when her boss granted her a few days off, not when she sat in her car, hanging the orbiter on the rear mirror, and certainly not on her way through the United States hot west.


	2. Chapter 2

_December 24_ _th_ _, 2379 – Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco, Earth_

Admiral Kathryn Janeway sits in her office, working, while the city outside slowly turns dark and only the blinking lights of Christmas coming through the windows illuminate the room. Kathryn looks up from her console and stretches in her chair. Why can't it be any other day? she thinks. Why does it have to be Christmas and why does Starfleet Headquarters have to blink and shine at every corner even though only humans celebrate Christmas? Not even every human does, Kathryn thinks, groaning inwardly, and turns her head to the large window.

She knows that Starfleet isn't only celebrating human holidays because aside from some of the traditional Earth holidays, she had to attend several festivities since Voyager got back last year, like Bajor's gratitude festival, some strange Betazoid festivities she'd rather forget and even, thanks to Lt. Paris, the Talaxian holiday Prixin. She had noticed quickly that Starfleet didn't let an opportunity for celebration pass these days and she started to worry about that new custom which was so unlike from the Starfleet she knew.

She is acutely aware of how much Starfleet and the Federation have changed during Voyager's absence. It's not illogical to her, they had been at war, had to take measures they didn't want to take, had to defend themselves, their people, planets and outposts while being under constant pressure. She has learned what such a situation can do to people by her own experience. She has also learned to discern a façade, though. And she knows Starfleet's excessive celebrations are only façade. People's true thoughts aren't as bright and shiny as they seem, and it bothers her to be a part of this masquerade.

She has, however, a distinct idea why they so desperately try to appear intact: Starfleet needs to re-establish its reputation.

During the war they had lost so many people, so many ships had been destroyed or heavily damaged and as a result Starfleet Academy is emptier than it has been in decades while they are in need of new generations of good officers, engineers and other personnel.

Kathryn wonders why Starfleet Command chose this way; a constant party isn't the solution to re-establish the reputation of an organization of once peaceful explorers and she would do it entirely differently, but so far no one has asked her.

Since Voyager returned there has been a long row of various festivities and parties. It was right after Christmas, which she and her crew were allowed to spend with their families, that it started and back then she was glad that every member of her crew, Starfleet, Maquis, the Equinox five and Lt. Paris alike, were welcomed with open arms. She never expected Starfleet to be this cheerful about their return and now, in hindsight, she hates that her ship and crew were used in this way.

It was not that the she and the crew hadn't been questioned, though. Every crewmember went through months of debriefings, had to elaborate on what they had encountered and had to defend their decisions, but it was never a question whether Starfleet or the Federation would take actions against them. They were proud of what this crew had achieved and liked the fact that most of them decided to stay, or become, Starfleet officers.

Kathryn likes it too and her heart still swells with pride when she thinks of the day the Maquis were reinstated. They were standing in a long row while she put the pips on everyone's collar and she still remembers vividly how she teared up when she came to the last person, Chakotay. He was standing at attention, proud from head to toe but with a wicked twinkle in his eyes so she had trouble keeping a straight face. She is sure that he had seen her watery eyes and only wanted to distract her and she was glad he had.

After being reinstated and becoming a 'real' commander, Chakotay started to teach at Starfleet Academy, something, Kathryn knows, he had always dreamed of.

That they both stayed planetside had worked wonders for their friendship and they had been meeting regularly ever since. The last time they had seen each other was only two days ago, at Voyager's one year home anniversary.

Kathryn groans quietly and rolls her eyes. That had also been a big party and even if she was happy to see her crew again, she also hates that Starfleet took advantage of the opportunity.

Not wanting to dwell further, she sits up in her chair. "Computer, lights to eighty percent," she orders and the room instantly brightens.

She knows it's pathetic to sit alone over work in her office on Christmas Eve but she doesn't feel like Christmas and has refused the invitations from her sister and mother by telling them that she's been invited to the Paris household. It is true, only she isn't planning to go there either because she's simply not in the mood for company and wants to be alone.

A sudden knock on the door puts her out of her reverie. She wonders who this could be; Headquarters is almost empty, and instantly hopes that it isn't someone who wants to invite her to another Christmas gathering.

"Yes?" she says finally, irritated and bothered by the interruption.

The familiar face of her former first officer appears in the door and immediately the hard lines on her face diminish.

"Hello," he says with a small smile, while going no further than the doorway. "I hope I'm not disturbing you?" he asks, looking at the piles of PADD's on her desk.

"Of course not," she answers, returning his smile and waving dismissively at the PADD's. "Come in."

Cautiously he walks in and closes the door and for the first time she notices that he carries a small case.

"What's this?" she asks, pointing at it.

He thinks how cute she looks, leaning forward over her large desk, her eyes bright with curiosity. "A surprise," he only says, much to her disappointment and places the case on the top of her desk.

"You know I'm curious," she complains.

"I know," he chuckles, glad that he was able to put a smile on her face. He had seen the look on her face when he entered the room but for now he decides not to mention it. "I made an interesting discovery."

She raises her eyes to his. "You did?"

He nods. "And I'm sure you will love it."

Her mouth opens a little and he can easily see that her curiosity is increasing, if that is possible. "Then by all means, show me," she says impatiently when he remains standing still. He grins and she gestures for him to sit down.

He does sit down and pulls the case closer to him, taking a PADD out and she frowns questioningly as he hands it to her. "Read."

She lays the PADD next to her console, taps a few buttons and an old-fashioned, handwritten document appears on the screen. "Aliens, or humans from the future?" she reads the headline. "…by…" Kathryn's mouth drops open and she looks at Chakotay, stunned. "Shannon O'Donnell."


	3. Chapter 3

_1996 – Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, California, Earth_

Shannon stood as still as a stone in front of the building Cooper worked in. She was reluctant to go inside and with each passing minute she wondered more why she had insisted on picking him up at work. She knew she always felt uneasy when she was here and that she would probably see people she never wanted to see again.

She rolled her eyes because she knew the reason all too well that had brought her here. It was her own stubbornness.

When she called Cooper that morning to tell him that she wouldn't make it to Pasadena until late afternoon he immediately suggested to meet at his place. He was one of only a few people who knew how hard it was for her to come here, especially now that the latest Mars mission with its first planetary rover was well under way, and she had heard the surprise in his voice when she said that she didn't have a problem with it.

The truth was she didn't want to look like a coward.

To stand outside like she was doing was just as cowardly, she chided herself. She usually avoided coming to JPL very successfully and she should have known from the moment she talked to Cooper that morning how hard it would get. This damn, whatever it was, had taken over her mind and now she stood there, confronted with suppressed emotions of her long lost dream. Maybe it was time to face them, she thought.

That sounded, to her own surprise, not as horrible as she used to think. Maybe she should've done it earlier, she thought, while determination began to spread through her body and she straightened. Yes, she could do it; she would go in there and face her demons.

Breathing deeply, she raised her chin, put on a brave smile and started to walk. She wasn't even at the door when two of her ex so-called-friends exited the building, talking animatedly about the Mars rover. Shannon's insides turned into a knot and her determination evaporated within a second and she thought about walking quickly in the other direction but before she had the chance to do so the two spotted her.

"Shannon! That's a surprise! What are you doing here?" the taller of them called out exuberantly.

On the inside, Shannon hoped the ground would swallow her, while on the outside, with the smile firmly in place, she stopped next to them.

#

"Hope she'll be here soon."

Cooper looked at his friend Marvin with whom he shared his office. "What?"

"Shannon. I hope she'll be here soon."

"Why?"

"Because I hope you'll calm down then."

Cooper suddenly noticed that he was pacing the room nervously. "Sorry," he apologized and sat in his chair only to tap his fingers on his leg.

Marvin chuckled quietly and concentrated back on his work.

"Hi stranger."

Cooper spun around, almost toppling over. "Shannon!" he exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

With a now genuine smile Shannon walked to her best friend and hugged him tightly. "It's so good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too."

She buried her face in his neck, gathering much needed strength from their embrace.

Squeezing her body closer to his, he sniffed secretly at her hair before releasing her.

They smiled at each other and Shannon turned to Marvin. "Hey, there. Still have to share with him?" she said teasingly, pointing at Cooper.

"Yep." The tall man rose to give her a warm hug. "Welcome to the City of Roses."

"Thanks, Marv. It's nice to be here."

They let go and Shannon looked around to see that the two still shared the little, chamber-like office they had the last time she was there. Despite the size, the room was full of stuff and papers were laying on the desks, all about the flight plan the lander should take to Mars.

"So," she said as casually as she could, looking at some of the papers. "How's the second planet in our solar system with a capital M?"

"Nothing unusual on sensor readings," Cooper said, trying to sound lightly.

She nodded, her lips pressed together, her eyes glued to the papers, an aura of sadness around her.

He hated to see her like that and jumped into action. "I have something for you," he said cheerfully and retrieved a small pile of newspapers out of his drawer. "They're not the most serious newspapers but none of the serious ones wrote about it at all," he shrugged apologetically.

Shannon raised her eyes to his and a small smile lightened her face. "Thanks."

She took the papers and he pulled an extra chair out of the corner.

"Population unsettled after UFO sighting," she read one of the headlines after sitting down and raised an eyebrow.

"That's what I meant," Cooper shrugged and sat down in his own chair.

"Do you really believe it was an UFO?" Marvin asked Shannon.

"It's unidentified as far as we know," Shannon answered half-heartedly. She was already engrossed in her reading and didn't notice how both men exchanged a smile and sat down to work.

She read article after article thoroughly, trying to separate fact from fiction. It wasn't always easy and more than one time she sighed or rolled her eyes at the exaggerations the authors used.

"You're really interested in this object?" Marvin asked when she laid the last paper aside.

"I am."

"I have a friend who could view the tape and tell you if it's a fake."

Interested, Shannon leaned forward. "Really?"

"Yeah."

Her mouth was slightly open and Cooper could see from the other side how her brain was working. "We should go and meet this guy," she said, turning to him.

"Which guy?"

"The guy who filmed it. Maybe he'll give us a copy of the tape."

"And how do you want to find him?"

She tapped the piles of newspapers. "It seems he doesn't have a problem with people finding him. He lives in Anaheim."

"That's an hour from here!" Cooper said loudly.

"Oh, come on, Cooper. Where's your explorer spirit?"

He sighed deeply. "I think you have enough for both of us."

#

It took more than an hour to get there. Cooper's initial annoyance was soon gone because he was too happy to have her close and too happy that this, whatever it was, distracted her. They talked on their way about everything and nothing and he felt the happy flutter he always felt when they were alone and he had her full attention.

Too soon for his liking they arrived at their destination.

"This must be it." Shannon stopped the car, opened the window and looked at the house.

"Looks that way," he agreed.

"I'll be right back."

She got out of the car and Cooper rolled his eyes. It was typical that she wanted to go alone but since he could watch her from his position he was fine with it.

As she walked to the front door she decided to not ask outright for a tape, she had some questions she wanted to ask first and hoped the man could answer them. She knew her expectations were high when she knocked on the door but she couldn't help herself.

After only a moment a tall, unkempt man opened the door and stepped shamelessly into her personal space. "Yeah?"

She had to lean her head back to look at him. "Hi, I got this address out of a newspaper. Did you tape that strange aircraft two days ago and sell it to various news channels?"

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked down on her. "Yes. Why?"

"I have some simple questions."

"Questions, huh? Why don't you tell me why you're really here?"

She frowned. "I'm here because I want answers to my questions."

"Why?"

"Curiosity," she shrugged nonchalantly.

"Look, lady," he bend down. "I don't know who you are and where you're from but I already answered all the questions."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"To whom?"

"Officers."

"What officers?" Shannon tried her best to hide her surprise.

He straightened up, obviously realizing something. "What do you want to know?" he asked quickly.

"Where did it appear and where did it vanish?"

"It came from there," he pointed vaguely at the sky to his right.

"How did it appear? Through clouds, out of thin air?"

"Don't know," he shrugged and thought. "Weren't many clouds that day. It just came into view and flew by. In this direction," he pointed at the sky on his left side.

"How high did it fly?"

"Lower than a plane this large would fly. Do you want the footage?"

"You would give it to me?" she asked, hiding her joy as much as she could.

"50 bucks."

"You would _sell_ it to me," she said in realization and suddenly she knew why he didn't have a problem with people knowing where he lived.

"Hey, I'm only a simple man," he said with a wide gesture.

"I'll give you 20."

"25."

"25," she agreed, reaching into her pocket.

He gave her a tape and she left, wondering how many he had already sold.

=/\=

 _Shannon opened the office door and in the moment she saw the expression on her training supervisor's face she knew something was wrong._

 _"You wanted to talk to me?"_

" _Yes, please come in." He gestured at the chairs on the opposite side of the desk and she sat down. "I just received the results of your latest medical examination," he said calmly._

 _Too calm, Shannon thought and swallowed. Something was definitively wrong._

" _What is it?" she asked gravely._

 _He folded his hands on the desk, his gaze never wavering. "There's a problem."_

" _A problem? But why, how? I mean what?"_

" _It's your eyes."_

" _My eyes? I don't have a problem with my eyes."_

" _Under normal conditions no, under high and low pressure however…"_

 _He didn't need to say more. Of course she had noticed it, she just hadn't want to admit it. "What does that mean?" she whispered hoarsely, her mouth too dry to speak properly. Deep down she knew what that meant but she needed him to say it out loud. She needed to hear it._

" _You're not suitable for space travel."_

 _His words crashed down on her nonetheless. "I'm out?"_

" _I'm afraid so."_

 _Her breath caught in her throat. He saw her struggle and leaned forward, speaking more gently now. "I know how much you wanted this, Shannon, and I'm sorry but you have to know that this doesn't have to be the end of our collaboration. You're a very talented engineer."_

 _A glimmer of hope came into her eyes. "I could still work at the Mars missions?"_

" _No," he shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "Our colleagues who are working on the modules for the Space Station are in need of young, talented and committed engineers. If you want, you're in." She didn't answer right away. "The Space Station will be the first manned outpost run by international space agencies. It's an honor to work for it."_

" _You're right," she nodded slightly. "Thank you for giving me this chance."_

" _They await you in Alabama," he said and she rose._

" _Thank you," she said, shaking his hand and without a backward glance she left the office._

Shannon opened her eyes slowly. She'd had this dream so many times since she dropped out of astronaut's training, she was used to it by now.

Rolling on her side, she sighed. It had been an increased intraocular pressure in her left eye that brought the biggest wish of her life to a shattering end. It was nothing serious, something almost negligible under normal circumstances, but it made her unfit for any kind of work under high or low pressure, not to mention zero gravity.

If only she had done something wrong so she could blame herself, she thought. She had done nothing wrong, she had been prepared, had the skills and the talent and that made it almost impossible to accept.

Never had she even thought that her body could be a problem and it had been a shock for her, and in that shocked state she had packed her things and moved to Huntsville, Alabama. Months later, when she had settled down, she began to realize what a big impact that decision had and how much she hated her life the way it was.

She changed nothing, though. She lived from day to day, wallowing in the past, not thinking about the future until her work brought her to Pasadena for a few days and she met Cooper.

Despite the distance between their homes they became friends quickly and ever since, he had been the one she could to talk about everything. He listened patiently when she needed to complain about her work or her life and somehow he was always able to cheer her up. She was glad to have such a friend and they tried to meet regularly, mostly in Huntsville or Houston.

That was another thing she liked about him, that he never judged her for keeping her shabby, little apartment in Houston. He knew that she mourned the time she lived there and that it was more a home than any other place she had ever lived.

But the most outstanding fact that showed her how deep their friendship was, was that she didn't mind that he worked at the Mars program. She usually avoided every person who worked at the project, simply because it hurt too much.

She immediately shoved that thought aside. She hated to even think about the lucky people at the Mars project and so she stretched and rose. A wonderful smell of coffee and pancakes greeted her in the hallway and she smiled gratefully when she entered the kitchen and saw that Cooper was just piling the pancakes.

"Morning."

He looked up and smiled at her. "Morning. I made breakfast."

"I see that," she said, crossing the room. "I don't know how long it has been since somebody made me breakfast."

She poured herself a coffee and didn't see the blush that crept across Cooper's neck and cheeks. "Oh, that's nothing special," he waved dismissively and placed the empty pan on the stove. "I'll take a shower. You can start eating. I'll be only a few minutes. I bought some newspapers when I came back from my run," he rambled and slid his hand through his hair.

"Thanks," she said, oblivious to his nervousness, and picked up a newspaper. "I thought you wanted to shower?" she asked when he didn't move.

"Yes," he nodded and left the room in a hurry.

He indeed didn't need long and when he joined her for breakfast she was still reading.

"What are you reading?" he asked but didn't get an answer. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he looked over her shoulder. "CEO of Chronowerx industries missing," he read the headline and she mumbled something unintelligible. "Isn't it… what's his name, Star something. Harry Star…"

"Henry Starling."

"Yeah, right." He took a sip from his coffee and sat on the opposite site of the table. "Why are you interested in the suicide of a man with lots of money?"

For the first time since he got back, she looked at him. "Why do you think he committed suicide?"

Cooper pointed at the picture. "He jumped out of the window."

"You should take a closer look. He certainly didn't jump. There's a huge hole in the Chronowerx tower. And there wasn't a corpse on the sidewalk."

"Do you believe everything that's in the news?" he asked, taking another sip.

She glared at him. "Also I don't know why you think he's dead. He's missing."

"So who kidnapped him?"

"It isn't clear if he was kidnapped or if something happened to him but people saw a strange aircraft bursting out of the tower."

"An aircraft? That Starling guy must be a freak," Cooper said and filled a bowl with cereals.

Shannon shook her head slightly and returned to her reading.

"Doesn't he contribute a lot of money to astronomy and aerospace facilities?"

"He does?" Shannon looked up again, curious.

"I think so, yeah. Perhaps they built this thing for him."

"According to eyewitnesses it was a small, slim aircraft, something they never have seen before. Don't you think the designer would have made it public?"

"Don't know," he shrugged. "Probably yes."

"I certainly would have." She stared absently at the picture. "It's curious, two strange, unidentified aircrafts are seen in Los Angeles in a short time. Maybe they belong together. Maybe Starling has something to do with it."

Cooper's eyes got wide in disbelief. "With your rocket ship?"

"Spaceship. Yes."

"You have too much free time."

"His aircraft came right out of the tower. Have you heard of anything like it before?"

"No," he had to admit. "But that doesn't mean that he has anything to do with the larger one."

"Not necessarily, of course. But it could be. Do you know what I wonder? If the Griffith Observatory is on Starling's contribution list."

"Why?"

"Jamie's friend at the Observatory detected the thing in orbit first."

"And?"

"And there could be a connection."

"You're crazy."

"Do you think you can get her name?" she asked but he grunted rejecting. "Please, Cooper," she pleaded, smiling, and batted her eyelashes.

He sighed, beaten. "Probably."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Shannon jumped up from her chair and bend over him. "I love you!" she exclaimed excited and kissed him quickly on the lips before she rushed out of the room.

Cooper sat in his chair, shocked. "I love you, too," he whispered sadly.

=/\=

"Rain Robinson," Cooper said over the phone. "Her name is Rain Robinson. It was she who called Jamie three days ago."

"Thanks, Coop."

"Please, _please_ , don't bother her."

"I won't. I'll just drive to the observatory, see if she's there and maybe talk to her…"

"Shannon," he said with a warning tone in his voice.

"I won't do anything that could fall back on you. I promise. Did Marv's friend call?"

"He did."

"And?"

"It's authentic."

She sucked in her breath and her eyes began to sparkle. Until now there was still the possibility that the footage was a fake. Now she knew for sure that it wasn't. It was real. Whatever it was. "Thanks," she breathed.

"I have to go back to work. I'll see you tonight."

"Okay."

She hung up the phone and without further delay she drove up to Griffith Park in the Hollywood Hills. She had never been there before and as she walked to the building she stopped to enjoy the fantastic view of Los Angeles. On a sunny, smogless day like today she could almost forget that she didn't like Los Angeles very much and that she couldn't live there. She preferred more quiet, isolated places where it was dark enough at night to see the stars. Not that Houston was particularly isolated and dark but she had some secret spots not far from her apartment where she could watch the stars all by herself.

She caught herself smiling at the thought of her home and it faded as quickly as it had appeared. Alabama, she reminded herself, Alabama was her home now.

Turning from the view, she walked the last few meters to the observatory.

Of course she wasn't happy in Alabama because of her job. All the shattered pieces of her lost dream hovered over her like a dark cloud and because of her usual grumpy, dissatisfied attitude she hadn't made many friends; not among her colleagues and not outside of work. It was her own fault and she knew it.

Entering the building, she saw that there weren't many visitors that morning except for two noisy school classes and she headed right for one of their guides.

"Hi, excuse me, is Ms. Robinson here?"

The young man looked up from his clipboard and shook his head. "No."

"When do you expect her back?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Sorry."

She nodded. "Okay, thank you."

He refocused on the students and they started their tour.

Shannon watched them leave and considered her options. She could wait, leave and come back later or leave and forget about it. She decided to do the first. The exhibition had piqued her interest and so she headed after the school classes and strolled through the rooms. She was impressed by all the information and details and fine as long as she stayed away from Mars. Time flew by and she got a drink and a snack out of the machine by mid-day and took a walk through the park. She asked three more times if Rain had arrived but she hadn't and no one knew when she would come back. It seemed to Shannon as if Rain's colleagues didn't even know where she was.

When the exhibition closed she sat on the steps in front of the building while people were still coming and going and it wasn't until dusk set in that it started getting quieter. No more people came and Shannon was alone at the main entrance.

She raised her head to catch a glimpse of the stars but right in that moment the outdoor lamps went on, illuminating the path and building, and preventing the sight of the stars. How fitting, she thought and her head hung.

Minutes passed while it grew darker around her. Cooper must be worried already, she thought, and decided to wait only a couple more minutes.

Just when she was about to leave a young man left the building who passed her without noticing and Shannon felt somewhat invisible.

"Hi, Rain. Nightshift?" he called out playfully a few steps away.

Instantly Shannon sat up and listened carefully. She saw a woman emerging from the shadows but, to Shannon's disappointment, she couldn't hear her response. They only exchanged a few words and then the young man walked away and the woman who must be Rain looked nervously over her shoulder while she walked towards the building.

Shannon stood and stepped in her way. "Rain Robinson?"

Rain jerked and spun around but she visibly relaxed as she saw Shannon. "Do you have to do this? Sneak up on me like that?"

"I didn't mean to startle you, sorry," Shannon apologized and took a closer look. Rain seemed troubled, anxious, almost haunted. But then, how would she feel if a stranger tried to waylay her in the dark?

"What do you want from me?" Rain asked defensively, breaking the silence.

"I have a few questions I wanted to ask you. Am I right that you called your friend Jamie at JPL three days ago and told her about an unidentified object in orbit?"

Rain was surprised but hid it quickly. "I did," she said carefully and Shannon felt a wave of happiness surge through her body. "How do you know?" Rain asked just as carefully. "Are you working at JPL?"

Shannon shook her head. "No. I'm working at NASA."

"NASA?" Rain frowned.

"I'm an engineer. I have a friend at JPL. He told me."

Before Shannon could go on, Rain cut her off. "That's all fine, but I have to tell you that the data I was receiving was false. There was no object in orbit. It was a computer malfunction."

"A computer malfunction?" Shannon asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah. You maybe know that this object only showed up on my computer…"

"But you called Jamie? You must've believed what you saw."

"I did. And I did call Jamie. But right after my call my computer crashed. Wanna see it? There's nothing left of it."

"No thanks," Shannon said quietly. "What about the object that was seen over the city three days ago?"

"Oh yeah, I saw that too. Don't know what it was. Looked very impressive."

"It did."

"I can't help you with that, sorry," Rain shrugged.

"Oh, okay," Shannon was at a loss for words. The conversation wasn't going as she had hoped for and she noticed that Rain was getting impatient. "Just one last question," she said quickly before Rain had the chance to leave. "Do you know anything about Starling's whereabouts?"

"Starling?" Rain frowned.

"Chronowerx CEO Starling. You heard that he's missing?"

"Yes, who didn't?" Rain said not very convincingly but Shannon couldn't say if she was lying or telling the truth. "Why should I know where he is?"

"I assumed he donates money to the observatory…"

"He does, as well as a lot of other people. That doesn't meant I know all of them personally."

"You're right. Sorry I bothered you."

"Sorry I couldn't help you," Rain said, and for a split second Shannon could see compassion in her eyes before Rain turned and vanished into the building quickly.

Shannon stood alone for some time, mulling over Rain's words before she quietly made her way back to Cooper's place.

She found him in the living room, watching TV. "I'm back."

"Did you meet her?" he asked, muting the sound and sitting up.

"I did."

"And?" he looked expectantly at her.

"Nothing," she said, sad. "It was a computer malfunction. There was no object in orbit."

"What about the flying saucer?"

"She didn't know anything about it."

His shoulders sagged at the sad sight of her and he leaned forward. "I'm sorry. You're okay?"

"I'm fine." She rubbed her face tiredly. "I'm going to go to bed. Good night."

"Sleep well," he said after her.

As Shannon lay in her makeshift bed, she thought of the last few days. She still didn't know why this object was so important to her but if it had been a real spaceship, maybe the people aboard would have taken her with them, out in open space, and away from this life she never wanted.

=/\=

She was back to her quiet, kind-of-sad self the next morning and Cooper watched her worriedly from the side while they prepared breakfast together. "You're okay?" he asked for the fifth time.

"I'm fine," she mumbled. Again.

"I could stay at home today. We could go sightseeing. I'm sure there are a lot of places you haven't been to in L.A."

"You have to go to work. It's an important time for your project."

He gave her another worried glance. "You're sure?"

"I am."

She turned swiftly to set the table and he stared at her back. He hated to leave her alone now that she was in such a gloomy mood. He was sure she could use some company and that she was only too stubborn to admit it but he was also sure that any effort to try would be worthless.

"Is this ready?" she asked, pointing at the food on the counter behind him.

He hadn't noticed that she was looking him and nodded. "Yes."

They placed the food on the table and ate breakfast in uncomfortable silence. After Cooper reluctantly left for work, Shannon cleared the table and cleaned up the kitchen. She worked slowly, not in the slightest concentrating on her task. When she was finished she half-heartedly turned the TV on, watching the footage she got from the man in Anaheim repeatedly without any excitement. Her thoughts drifted off until she suddenly noticed something she hadn't noticed before. Slack-jawed she sat there, staring. "This cannot be true," she whispered and jumped up.

#

It was late after eight in the evening when Cooper finally stood in front of his apartment door.

The day had been terrible. A problem with the trajectory had occurred but he couldn't concentrate because his thoughts were constantly with Shannon and whether he should call her to ask if she was fine. Most times he had rolled his eyes because his question would also have been her answer. She was always fine when she wasn't fine.

He chuckled quietly. This woman could be infuriating. She was the most strong-headed, independent, unforgiving woman he knew. Still, he loved her; loved her curiosity, her explorer nature, her beauty. He had never met a woman like her.

He sighed. He would love to make her happy every day for the rest of their lives if only she would let him. Sadly, she didn't even know he had feelings for her and he couldn't tell her because he had no doubt that she didn't reciprocate his feelings. She saw him only as a friend and he didn't want to put their friendship in jeopardy. Also, she was four years older than him, not that he minded, but he knew she was searching for something else. If she even knew what she was searching for.

After all, he had tried three times to call her today and every time she wasn't at home or she didn't want to answer the phone. He didn't know if that was good or bad news and he didn't know what to expect as he opened the door.

"Shannon?" he called out cautiously. "Shannon, are you here? I'm sorry, I'm late."

He listened and heard a sound out of the kitchen.

"What in the world…," he said, wide-eyed, as he entered the room and saw the mess. Various piles of magazines and newspapers lay spread out on the counter, chairs and floor and Shannon stood in the middle, shuffling through some papers which covered the table.

To Cooper's surprise she appeared happy and relaxed, nothing like her sorrowful mood that morning.

"You have to see this," she said, waving for him to come closer.

"Shannon?" he asked warily, not daring to touch anything. "What's all this?"

"This," she gestured at the entire room. "… is the answer."

His eyebrows rose slowly. "Shannon, are you all right?" he asked carefully.

"Of course I am. Now come."

Slowly he walked over to her and thought he wasn't seeing right as he saw that most of the magazines were about UFO sightings, paranormal phenomenon and secret test flights. "I never thought you were much of a UFO hunter," he said, stunned.

She chuckled happily and it confused and worried him even more. "That's exactly what Professor Herman said."

"Professor Herman?" he asked, shocked. "When did you see him?"

"When I went to see my good, old friend Hollister Blackburn…"

"Your _good, old_ friend?"

"I know him from college."

"I know. I just thought you didn't like him."

"I don't. But that's not important right now," she waved dismissively. "He has access to the global surveillance satellites," she winked, her eyes bright and blazing and she appeared intoxicated.

"Ah, I see."

"I wanted to ask if they received some unusual data over the last few days."

"And did they?"

"Not exactly. But something did come to my knowledge. Hollister told me that four days ago, not two hours before Rain Robinson made her call, a large, unidentified object showed up in orbit for about ninety seconds and then simply vanished. He wanted to retrieve the data to show it to me but it was gone."

"Gone?"

She nodded and again shuffled through some papers, obviously searching for something specific. He noticed her shaky hands and wanted to sniff at her coffee cup to see what was in there. "Yes. He was about to try to restore the data when Professor Herman interrupted us."

"What did he say?"

"That he never thought I was much of an UFO hunter," she repeated, looking at him with a slight frown as if he should know.

"Yeah, sorry," he shook his head. "What happened next?"

"We made some small talk and I had a feeling he didn't like that I was there so I left. But I didn't really leave, I only walked around the corner and as soon as he was gone I went back to ask Hollister if the flying saucer showed up on any surveillance system. And you know what?" she asked excited. "It didn't. Not on satellite readings, not on radar. Nowhere."

"How is that possible? People saw it."

"It must've had some kind of highly-advanced diversion technology."

"Possible. But couldn't it also have been a natural phenomenon?"

She laid her head to the side. "What natural phenomenon looks like that?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I'm just making suggestions."

"I highly doubt it was a natural occurrence. It was too big and it didn't crash, it went up again. But do you know what the most outstanding fact is?"

"I have a feeling you're going to tell me."

She looked him in the eyes. "It doesn't have wings."

"What?"

"It doesn't have wings. I looked at the footage this morning and it suddenly became clear. It doesn't have wings."

"And what do you conclude out of all this information, Detective?"

"Not Detective, Explorer," she corrected him.

"Fine, _Explorer_ ," Cooper rolled his eyes. "…what's your conclusion?"

"I have two theories. First, it's a secret military device, maybe a new kind of drone, and a test flight had gone wrong…"

"Why do you think so?"

"Data is missing, Cooper. Someone doesn't want us to find out."

"And you think it was the government?"

"Yes."

"You're kidding," he snorted.

"No. Maybe. But someone doesn't want us to find out."

"It could also be a ship full of humans coming from the future!" Cooper mocked. "And they can't show themselves because they would tamper with the timeline if they did."

Shannon's jaw dropped and her eyes widened.

He looked at her as if she had lost her mind. "That was a joke."

"No, you could be right…"

"Oh, stop it, Shannon!" Cooper said loudly. "Don't you see what's going on here? You're using this as an excuse; a way to close your eyes to reality!"

She looked as if he had just dumped a bucket of cold water over her head, all the excitement, the tension left her body in a rush and he already regretted what he just said.

"Look," he started gently. "It really does seem to me that you're using this as an escape. I know you don't like how things are but your life isn't as bad as you think it is. I mean you're working at the space station. That's pretty great and I'm sure many people envy you for it."

She sighed deeply, tiredly. "Yeah, you're probably right," she whispered, rubbing her face. "It's just… I dreamed of going into space since I was eight. I accepted that I'll never set foot on the moon because that's not a priority in our lifetime but I wanted to go to Mars. Or at least in space. I'll never do that."

"I know. And I'm sorry. But that's no reason to throw away your life."

Her eyes filled with tears and he couldn't stand it. "Well," he said cheerfully, kicking himself mentally for not being able to stop himself. "Why don't you show me what else you found out?"

"There's nothing," she sniffed, angrily wiping the tears away.

"What about Starling?"

"There's no connection. And you're right. It is stupid." With one swift move she shoved the papers off the table. "I'll leave tomorrow at the same time you have to leave for work."

"You don't have to," he tried to stop her.

"Yes," she said sharply, heading for the door. "I have to."


	4. Chapter 4

_December 24_ _th_ _, 2379 – Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco, Earth_

"Where in the world did you find this?" Kathryn asks, staring at the screen.

"I didn't."

She looks at Chakotay and raises an eyebrow. "You didn't?"

"No. You remember that I teach one of Commander Teerson's classes this semester?"

"Yes. She had a baby this fall."

He nods. "It's temporal mechanics. I needed a topic for a paper, and I was at a loss, so she encouraged me to take an event from our journey through the Delta Quadrant. The most interesting occurrence I could come up with that isn't fully classified is our travel to 1996."

Kathryn leans closer. "You let the cadets search for our footprints?"

He grins. "Something like that, yes."

"I always wondered if we left footprints behind."

"We most certainly did. And now we can reconstruct some of them."

"I'd love to. What I don't understand though, is what Shannon has to do with it?"

"Several cadets stumbled over her."

"They _stumbled_ over her?"

"Yes. Why don't we…," he gestures towards the sitting area.

She nods in agreement and they settle over and he empties his case on the coffee table.

"So, what did Shannon O'Donnell do that she showed up in papers of third year cadets almost 300 years later?" Kathryn asks, looking at the amount of PADD's that he has poured out.

"This document she wrote… it's an article… about us."

Her eyes get wide and she gasps. "About Voyager?"

"Yes."

"But… how?"

"I don't know how she got knowledge of Voyager being in orbit. She worked as an engineer at NASA at that time and was on the crew who built components for the International Space Station."

"The International Space Station? It was the first manned outpost in space in human history."

"If you call Earth's lower orbit space, yes," he laughs.

"Back then, they did," she laughs with him. "But she was never up there, was she?"

"No, she wasn't. She trained to be an astronaut but she didn't finish. According to her file she didn't pass one of the medical examinations."

"Why didn't we find this data in the Delta Quadrant? It had all appeared to be lost or damaged."

"Well, it wasn't lost, but confidential."

"Confidential?" she asks surprised.

He nods. "After I read her name in the cadets' papers I began to dig a little on my own and I noticed that I could suddenly access files we couldn't access on Voyager. I asked Professor Vassbinder about it and he sent me to Admiral Henley at the Department of Temporal Investigations."

"Ugh, these damn so-called guardians of the time," she grunts. "I hate them and their damn secrets."

"There's a reason why they have their secrets," he says with a twinkle in his eyes.

"I know, I know," she waves a hand dismissively. "They just try to keep the timeline straight." He nods. "I still remember vividly the lecture Admiral Robins gave us at the debriefings when we discussed our little detour to the year 1996. 'You are…," she imitates the admiral, "… under no circumstances allowed to tell anyone, and I mean anyone, how you got into the year 1996. If people ask you you'll not answer them. Is that clear?'." Chakotay smiles at her annoyance. "So I guess we'll find no mention of the name Braxton in there," she gestures at the PADD's.

"That is correct. Those files are still closed and they stay closed until it happens." He sees her grimacing. "How's your headache?" he teases.

"Not far behind," she chuckles. "I hate temporal paradoxes."

"I know."

"But it's not that I can't see the reason behind this secrecy. If I had known what was about to happen I would've ordered Harry to not, under any circumstances, go into a lower orbit."

He smiles conspiratorially. "Then it is good that you didn't know… because it could've changed everything. You could've prevented your own existence."

Her eyes snap to his. "You're speculating."

"Maybe," he admits. "But Shannon O'Donnell was so interested in Voyager that she contacted people to get information, she asked questions and sniffed around. She even made it into the official FBI files."

Kathryn's eyes shine brightly, a wide smile on her face. "Voyager had an impact on her life."

"At least a small one."

"It's amazing," she says in wonder. "She was really looking for us?" she asks again just to be sure she heard right.

"Yes, she was," he chuckles.

"But you don't know how she got knowledge of Voyager in the first place?"

"Sadly not. I thought I had the answer when I found something very interesting but it can't be."

"What was it?"

He smiles secretively and waits a moment before he tells her and she thinks that he is having way too much fun with it. But then, so is she. "I found out that your favorite ancestor worked for a short period of time with someone you would never think of," he says finally.

"Who?"

"Rain Robinson."


	5. Chapter 5

_February 29_ _th_ _, 2000 – Marshall Space Flight Center, Huntsville, Alabama, Earth_

Shannon emerged from her car with a shudder. It was unusually cold for the fifth day in a row and she longed for warmer and brighter weather but at least the cold rain had stopped, she thought as she locked her car and put the keys in her pocket.

Pushing the strap of her leather bag higher on her shoulder, she walked to her building. She still worked as an engineer at the Space Station and she still didn't like it. After Cooper's verbal bucket of cold water and her sudden departure from Pasadena four years earlier, she had begun to hope for a change in her life, hoped that somehow something would change it. But nothing came and since she didn't put any effort in changing it on her own, everything stayed the same.

Sighing, her shoulders slumped a little. She knew why it was so hard for her to make a change. She didn't know what to do, or rather, she had only one thing she wanted to do and she wasn't allowed to do it.

Closing in on her building, a small, slim woman caught her eye. The woman was looking around as if she was searching for something and she appeared lost to Shannon, so she moved closer to ask if she could help.

As she saw her face she stopped short. "Rain Robinson," she breathed as if a ghost from the past was standing in front of her.

The woman in question turned to her, surprised to hear her name. "Yes," she said, frowning, and Shannon saw that Rain had no clue who she was.

"Shannon O'Donnell," she introduced herself, stretching her hand out.

Rain took it tentatively. "Nice to meet you."

"We met before."

"We did?"

Shannon nodded and they dropped their hands to their sides. "I waylaid you at the Griffith observatory one night. About four years ago."

"Ah, yeah," Rain said in realization. "You were the crazy woman who was obsessed with…" She paused. "…that object the guy had filmed."

"That was me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you right away."

"That's okay," Shannon assured her. "It has been a while and it was dark. I'm surprised you recognize me at all."

"Oh, our little encounter in the dark was quite memorable."

"I'm sorry if I gave you a scare. I was… not myself," she apologized. "What are you doing here?"

"I am working here," Rain answered, proud.

"You are?"

"It's only a fellowship," she admitted but the pride remained in her voice.

"What happened to your job at the observatory if I may ask?"

"You may. I always saw the job at the observatory as a first step. I wanted more and now I'm able to do more."

"I wish you good luck at what you want to achieve."

"Thanks."

"I could show you around, if you want."

"That would be nice. To be honest, it's my first day here and I could use some help."

"Do you know where you have to go?"

Rain handed her a paper with information.

"You're assigned to the ISS?"

"Yeah. I'm going through various departments, you know, observing and learning how such a big project works."

"I'm working as an engineer at the project," Shannon told her, her voice lacking any excitement and her face clouded.

"Wow," Rain said genuinely. "That's impressive."

"Yeah," Shannon agreed indifferently. "I know where the office of your supervisor is," she said, evading any further talk. "I can bring you there."

"That would be great, thank you."

They made their way inside and Shannon accompanied Rain to the office. To show her gratefulness Rain asked if Shannon knew a nice bar or something where they could meet later and have a beer. Shannon gave her an address and they met that night at the agreed time.

"So what's this big goal you want to achieve?" Shannon asked as they sipped their beers.

"Saturn."

" _Saturn_?"

"Yes, Saturn."

Shannon's voice got a sharp edge. "You want to go up there?"

"No. When I was younger I wanted nothing more than that but as I grew older I realized that it was a child's dream. Now I want to learn more about the planet, its rings and moons. There are so many mysteries, so many things we don't understand, and I would like to solve some of them." She looked at Shannon. "What about you? Any favorite planet?"

The name was on the tip on Shannon's tongue but she held back, as always. "We all have a favorite planet, haven't we?" she said evasively, and a little too sharply.

"Guess so."

The conversation came to a halt and uncomfortable silence settled over them. Rain thought that something she said must have upset Shannon and Shannon thought back to when she was Rain's age and her hopes and dreams were still alive and vital. She was about to excuse herself to go home and dwell in self-pity but decided against it. This was a chance to change her behavior and she would take it.

"Mars," she said for the first time in many years.

"What?"

"My favorite planet. Mars. The landing on the moon inspired me to go into aerospace but Mars always fascinated me."

"Mars. Also a planet with many mysteries."

"Indeed."

"And we are much closer to Mars than to Saturn. You must love the Mars missions."

Shannon ignored the stabbing pain that was caused by Rain's words and straightened. "My friend who helped me getting your name four years ago works at the Mars missions," she said, taking a large gulp of her beer.

"Wow, that's awesome."

"It is."

"Why don't you work at the Mars missions?"

That was the one and only question Shannon hoped Rain wouldn't ask and she swallowed hard. "I'm working here," she started as confidently as she could. "The ISS is a great and unique opportunity for me. It's an honor to work at it. I mean what we build will be manned in orbit. It's a huge responsibility."

Rain frowned and didn't believe her because Shannon's voice didn't show any excitement or devotion. She was about to ask further but something held her back and she shifted on her barstool.

"I'm sorry," Shannon apologized, aware that her behavior made Rain uncomfortable. "I'm not good company."

"Oh, no, I have to apologize. I shouldn't have asked."

"It's was a normal question. I just don't like to talk about it."

"Okay," Rain nodded. "We could talk about something else if you want."

"You still want to stay?"

"It's nice to have a familiar face around," Rain said self-conscious.

For the first time that day Shannon's face softened visibly and a small smile lightened her face. " _Familiar_?"

"Yeah, not _very_ familiar," Rain admitted with a shrug. "But I would be alone in my temporary home and you remind me of Los Angeles."

"You liked to live there?"

"I did. And as soon as my fellowship is over I plan to go back there."

"To go to Saturn."

"Exactly."

"Why is that planet so dear to you?"

Rain smiled. "Ever since I saw it through my brother's little telescope I was fascinated. I loved to watch the planet and the glistening rings. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen."

"It is a fascinating sight."

"It is," Rain agreed and got quiet.

Shannon looked over her shoulder to see that Rain was smiling to herself. "What is it?" she asked gently.

Rain was startled that Shannon had noticed her absent-minded state. "Uh, nothing," she said, blushing.

"Come on, there's more."

She laid her head to the side and played with her bottle. "There was this guy…"

Shannon smiled knowingly. "Ah, so there was a guy."

"No, don't get me wrong. I loved Saturn before I met him. This guy, however, he was special. In fact, he was unlike every other man I've ever met."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know," Rain said sadly. "I haven't seen him in years but I still catch myself thinking of him. He was the one who made me realize what my goals were because, to be honest, I was getting lazy. I always wanted more, I had this dream of working at a Saturn mission but it wasn't until I met him that I reconnected with that wish and really dove into the work."

"He's the Saturn-guy."

Rain laughed. "You could say so."

"Why didn't it work out with you two?"

Rain paused for a moment, thinking. "His work prevented us from becoming more."

"I'm sorry. And you don't know where he lives?"

"No."

"You could find out…"

"No. It's over. I have to accept that."

Shannon felt Rain's resistance to talking about that subject and turned their conversation to a more casual topic. They noticed quickly that, despite the age difference, they had a lot in common and so it wasn't surprising that that night was the first of many nights they met.

They were able to spend hours talking about the universe, stellar phenomenon or recent discoveries. However, the topics that bound them together, the object over Los Angeles and their work, lay unspoken between them. That didn't put a damper on their evolving friendship, though. They both enjoyed each other's company and Rain's youth and excitement changed Shannon's way of thinking. She began to see things not as black and white as she had before and when Rain found more friends, Shannon even began to socialize again. Being surrounded by the younger people uplifted Shannon's spirits even more and she felt better than she had in years.

Her curiosity about the object in orbit hadn't diminished during the years and every time she and Rain were alone, she had to remember to not ask her about it because she was sure Rain knew more than she wanted to admit. Rain on the other hand, had to prevent herself from asking why Shannon didn't want to talk about her job. She couldn't understand how a person who loved space as much as Shannon did didn't like to talk about her job at the Space Station.

#

One evening, weeks after Rain's first day, Shannon sat at the bar, waiting for Rain who was running late. Shannon thought that Rain may have forgotten that they were going to meet but a couple of minutes later Rain entered the bar, a wide smile on her face.

"I did it!" she called out enthusiastically, walking over to Shannon with bounce in her step and joy in her eyes. "Shannon, I did it!"

"What did you do?"

"I got a job. In Pasadena. I'm going to Saturn!" Rain cheered, throwing her arms in the air.

Shannon's jaw dropped surprised. "You…"

"Yeah, well not _to_ Saturn but I'm joining the Cassini mission. Shannon, I'm joining the Cassini mission! I'm so excited!" She hopped up and down.

"I can tell."

"It's unbelievable," Rain said, sitting on the barstool next to Shannon but wasn't able to sit still. "It's everything I ever wanted. My dream's coming true."

"Congratulations," Shannon smiled, surprised that she felt nothing but happiness for her friend. "You deserve it."

"Thank you." Rain smiled back. "I'm nervous but I think it's going to be great."

"I'm sure it is. When do you have to leave?"

"I'll finish my fellowship in three weeks as planned. Then I have some time to go back to Los Angeles."

Shannon nodded. "That's fantastic. I'm happy for you."

"I'm happy, too." Rain couldn't stop smiling. "I can't believe it yet," she said quietly, shaking her head. "It's really coming true."

"You're very lucky."

"I feel lucky. I'm going to miss the fun we had here, though."

"You'll manage," Shannon said with a wink. "I have never met anyone as enthusiastic as you are."

Rain laughed. "Yeah, that can be very tiresome after a while."

"No, it was just what I needed," Shannon assured her. "And to work at the Cassini mission is a privilege."

Just like to work at the ISS, Rain thought and glanced at Shannon from the side. Straightening, she decided to throw caution to the wind. "May I ask you something?"

"Anything," Shannon said, taking a sip of her beer.

"Why don't you want to talk about your job?"

"Why don't you want to talk about that object in orbit?" Shannon shot back without thinking.

Nervously, Rain looked around to see if anyone could hear their conversation.

"I'm sorry," Shannon apologized immediately, shocked by her overreaction. "I didn't think before I…"

"No, no," Rain raised her hands. "I know I shouldn't ask. It's just… you love stellar phenomenon and to explore the universe. I can see it when we talk about it. But you don't want to talk about your job… and when I see you there, there's no excitement, no love and devotion."

Shannon took another large sip of her beer and felt Rain's eyes on her. "It's that obvious, huh?"

"It is. And I'm wondering why that is."

Shannon exhaled. "I'll tell you the whole story if you tell me what you know about that object in orbit."

"I really shouldn't tell you, I'm sorry."

Shannon's eyes blazed and instantly Rain realized her mistake. "That means there is something to tell!"

"Maybe…," Rain said, vague.

"I knew it. I knew there was something going on!"

Rain breathed deeply. "Yes, there was," she admitted reluctantly. "But I can't tell you," she repeated. "At least not here," she added quietly, looking around.

"Then let's go somewhere else," Shannon suggested.

Torn, Rain looked into Shannon's waiting eyes. She wanted to hear Shannon's story but she knew she shouldn't talk to anyone about what had happened four years ago.

Knowing she had to make a decision, she sighed and nodded. "Okay."

Trying to stay calm on the outside, Shannon's heart beat with excitement. She would finally get some answers and telling Rain about her shattered dreams would be a small price to pay.

Rising, she paid for her beer and put her coat on. "My place?" she asked Rain.

"Yeah, why not," Rain answered half-heartedly.

They left the bar and walked the short way to Shannon's place in silence. While Shannon couldn't wait to be there, Rain walked slowly, buying herself some time to ponder if she should really tell Shannon the truth. On one hand she would love to finally share her experience with someone, on the other she still heard Tom's, if that even was his real name, words in her mind. He had told her to not tell anyone what was happening; no friend, no family member and especially no officials. He had made it very clear that it could be dangerous, and even if she never fully understood his reasoning, she had kept her promise to this day.

However, it was four years later and no one was interested in what had happened anymore. And she had to come to trust Shannon during the last few weeks and was sure she would keep it to herself if she asked her to.

Arriving at Shannon's building, Rain decided to stick to Tom's words. He wouldn't have asked her to keep it to herself for no reason and as they climbed the stairs she thought of how she could tell Shannon. She would be disappointed but Rain knew it was the right thing to do.

They entered the small apartment and Shannon laid her bag on the kitchen table while Rain closed the door.

"Look, Shannon," she came right to the point. "I don't think I should tell you."

Shannon frowned, but her face showed no disappointment. "Why?"

"It could be dangerous."

"What if you don't tell me everything? Just bits and pieces?"

Rain knew Shannon was trying to outmaneuver her and smiled. "Maybe it would help if you tell me your story first?" she suggested.

Shannon laid her head to the side and glanced at Rain, telling her without words that she knew that Rain was trying to outmaneuver her now. To Rain's surprise it worked. "Why not?" Shannon shrugged and pointed at the coffee machine. "Want one, too?"

"Yes, please."

Rain took off her coat and sat on a chair while Shannon busied herself with making coffee.

"I once had a clear picture of what I wanted to do. And to work as an engineer wasn't part of that picture."

"What did you want to do?"

"I wanted to fly to space."

"Really going up there?" Rain asked disbelievingly.

"Yes." Shannon sat on the opposite chair and looked at Rain. "I trained to be an astronaut."

Rain's eyebrow's rose. "You…"

"Yes."

"That is… impressive."

"It's not as impressive as it sounds because I didn't finish."

"Why not?"

Shannon looked down and fingered unconsciously with her reading glasses. When she had noticed that she needed them, she had refused to wear them and even though they had nothing to do with the pressure imbalance in her eyes, they remained a reminder of the problem with her eyes. "I didn't pass one of the medical examinations."

"That sucks."

Shannon chuckled mirthlessly. "If you want to put it that way."

Rain sat back in her chair. "You trained to be an astronaut… wow."

"It was the most outstanding experience in my life."

"And nothing compares to that…," Rain said in realization.

Shannon pressed her lips together. "Nothing will _ever_ compare to that."

"I can understand that…," Rain nodded. "It's unique."

"Yes, it is."

"But still… there's nothing else you wanted to do?"

"I wanted to work at the Mars project, here on Earth, but they didn't have a job for me so I got stranded here."

"I'm sorry." Rain stared at the table. "You wanted to fly to space… Is that why that object in orbit was so important to you?"

"I don't know," Shannon answered, rubbing her face tiredly. "I think if it would have been a real spaceship it would have had an impact; it would've changed things."

"It was."

"What?"

"It was a real spaceship."

Shannon's jaw dropped. "You're sure?!"

"I am," Rain said, serious.

Shannon's mind came to a crashing halt. "But… how?"

"I can't tell you any details. From what I've seen, however, they had highly sophisticated technology."

"Seen? You have seen… _them_?"

Rain nodded. "I did."

Shannon swallowed. "What did they look like?"

"Green and slimy." Shannon's eyes got wide and Rain laughed. "They were humans… at least I think so."

"You _think_?"

"Well, Saturn-guy was…"

"Saturn-guy was a part of that group?"

"He was."

"That's why you don't know where he is?"

Rain nodded, sad. "I've never seen him again."

Shannon came out of her shock-like state and looked at her friend who was visibly hurting. "He must've been very special."

"He was."

"Do you know why they were here?"

"No," Rain shook her head. "And even if I did, I don't think I should tell you."

Shannon nodded in understanding. "I won't tell anyone about this, trust me."

"Thanks. I could really get into trouble if somebody finds out."

"I can imagine. Nevertheless it must've been hard to keep it to yourself during the past few years."

"It was hard," Rain smiled, brave. "I wasn't supposed to talk about what could've been the biggest discovery in human history."

"You mean time traveling humans?" Shannon rose to fill their cups.

"I didn't say that."

"It's the only possible explanation. I don't recall that we are capable of travelling among the stars yet." She handed Rain a cup and sat down again. "…because if we could, I would be the first to volunteer."

"I never saw the pictures of the ship as it was seen over L.A." Rain said, letting Shannon's words uncommented.

"Didn't you tell me you saw it?"

Rain frowned. "I don't remember doing so."

"I have a copy of the footage, if you want to see it," Shannon said, pointing at her TV.

Rain's face lit up. "I'd love to."

"Okay, wait a moment." Shannon got up and retrieved a cardboard box out of her bedroom. "In here is all the stuff I collected back then," she said, placing the box on the table. "I had left it in L.A. and was sure Cooper had thrown it in the trash but he didn't. He thought I might want to look at it in the future."

She opened the lid of the box and curious Rain looked inside. She saw a pile of newspapers, magazines, notes Shannon had taken and the tape.

"There it is," Shannon said, taking the tape out, and while she got her VCR up and running, Rain rummaged through the other contents of the box. Eventually she found Shannon's article and read it interestedly.

"What are you reading?" Shannon asked when she was done.

Rain turned the piece of paper around, showing Shannon the front and Shannon blushed, embarrassed. "Oh, please don't read that. I wrote it in a state of craziness."

"I like it. You have a good writing style."

Shannon wrinkled her nose in disgust and looked at her scribbling. "I hate it."

"It's not too bad. You never sold it, though, did you?"

"No, I didn't."

Rain exhaled. Unintentionally Shannon had written some good stuff and some of it was a little too close to the truth for Rain's taste.

She gave Shannon a grateful nod and they settled on the couch to watch the footage. The ship appeared on Shannon's TV screen and Rain watched it, mouth-agape.

"It's huge," she said fascinated.

"It is," Shannon agreed.

"I didn't expect it to be that large."

"I was surprised, too, when I first saw it," she said and the tape ended.

Rain sat there, stunned, and turned her head to Shannon. "Can we watch it again?"

"Of course."

Shannon restarted the tape and Rain leaned forward in awe. "It's unbelievable," she shook her head.

"It's pretty great, huh?"

The tape ended again and Rain sat back. "It is more than great. It is… I don't have words for it."

"Had that ever happened before?" Shannon teased.

"I don't think so," Rain laughed. "Now I can understand why he didn't want to stay."

"Saturn-guy?"

"Yes. I doubt I would have wanted to leave it either."

"Me neither. Just imagine traveling on that ship through interstellar space… seeing other stars, visiting other planets…"

"Or just the third planet over," Rain said playfully.

Shannon laughed. "Fine with me. If we make a detour to Mars first."

"Yeah, we could arrange that."

Shannon settled back, a smile on her face. "I wonder what they saw while traveling through space…"

"I don't know. But they were a bunch of pretty goofy people. And the way they fought for something greater than just their own little lives… I have never met anyone who does that nowadays."

So much for not talking about time traveling humans, Shannon thought but kept her mouth shut.

"You know what impressed me the most?" Rain went on.

"No."

"That a woman captained the ship."

Shannon straightened in an instant. "You're kidding."

"I'm not. It was amazing. And it was absolutely normal. Saturn-guy and all the others followed her orders without arguing, without questioning her decisions. I like to think that we're the pioneers; our generation made it possible. That's the real reason I quit at the observatory. I wanted to achieve more because of her."

Shannon nodded thoughtfully, thinking about Rain's words. "I'm no pioneer," she realized.

"Why not?"

"A pioneer wouldn't sit around and do nothing; he wouldn't dwell on the past like I do, he would stand up and do something."

Rain noticed the sudden fire in Shannon's eyes. "Shannon? What are you up to?" she asked warily.

"It's time to make a change," Shannon said, determined.

Alarmed, Rain shifted. "I didn't mean to…"

"No, no, don't stop me. I have to do this."

"What do you have to do?"

"I'm quitting."

"Shannon…"

" _No_. The desire to make a radical change has been growing within me for a long time now. And now the time's there." Shannon's saw Rain's concerned face. "It's okay. I need to end this. I need to move on."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'll ask if I can get an assignment at the Mars missions. If not, I'll look for another job."

Rain shook her head. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have told you."

"It has nothing to do with you. It was already true before I met you. Hell, it was even true before I got the job at the Space Station." Shannon looked Rain in the eyes. "I know I'll be fine. Eventually."

"You're really going to be fine?" Rain asked, uncertain.

"I will," Shannon said grimly. "Somehow, I will."


	6. Chapter 6

_December 24_ _th_ _, 2379 – Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco, Earth_

"Rain," Kathryn gasps. "Do you think she told Shannon anything about Voyager, Tom, Tuvok or the timeship?"

"I don't know. I don't even know if they met, much less talked. What I know is that, in 2000, Rain joined the team of the Space Station for a couple of months. That's why my theory that she could've told Shannon in the first place is flawed. It was four years too late."

"What happened to Rain's job at the observatory?"

"I didn't find any information on what she did prior to her months at the Space Station, but shortly after Shannon lost her job, Rain moved back to Los Angeles and worked at the early missions to Saturn. In 2041, she was one of the heads of the first manned mission to Titan."

"She made quite a career," Kathryn says, impressed.

"Yes, she did."

Suddenly Kathryn begins to frown. "You said Shannon lost her job? In 2000?"

"Yes. Why?"

"That was the year the Millennium Gate was planned in Indiana; the year Henry Janeway fought against it."

Chakotay nods. "That's right."

"So let me get this straight," Kathryn says, taking the PADD and looks at the dates. "Shannon worked more than a decade as an engineer at the Space Station. During that time, in 1996, we made our appearance and she began to sniff around. Four years later Rain joined the project and not long after Shannon lost her job..."

"Or she quit."

"Or she quit. And the next thing we know is that she showed up in Indiana."

"Yes."

"Do you think it's a coincidence that she and Rain worked at the same project the year Shannon lost her job?"

"Hard to tell. What would Aunt Martha say?" he asks with a twinkle in his eyes.

"She would say that Voyager had such a big impact on her life that without her Shannon never would have gotten to Indiana. She wouldn't have met Henry and our family would never have existed. Voyager wouldn't have been stuck in the Delta Quadrant and none of it would have happened."

He laughs. "Now I have a headache."

She joins his laughter. "It is curious, though, that Braxton didn't erase our little trip to 1996 but his memory was wiped."

"We must've done something important."

"But what?"

"We introduced the computer age to Earth."

"We didn't do that. It was the timeship."

"You're right. Perhaps it was many small things? Because no matter whether we tried to keep a low profile, we interacted with people. We changed the course of events on a small level."

"True. It's unlikely we'll ever get to know the real reason, though," she states, a hint of sadness in her voice. "So back to the facts. What did they think of Starling's disappearance?"

"He was declared missing. There were lots of theories, just like the ones about Amelia Earhart."

"Nobody knew the truth?"

"Apparently not. They had the pieces of the puzzle but weren't able to put them together."

"Then I guess Rain kept everything she knew to herself after all."

"It sure looks that way. She was questioned by the FBI but she didn't tell them anything. It was lucky for her that Tuvok had wiped her computer storage. She told them it was a malfunction. They had to believe her since they didn't have any other data."

"They never made the connection to Starling?"

"They asked her but she said she never had any direct contact with him."

"Good to know that our trust in her was justified."

"It obviously was."

Kathryn lays the PADD on the table and settles back. "I wonder if Rain was still alive at First Contact."

"She was."

"She was?" she asks, astonished.

"Death certificates, remember?"

"Tuvok suspected that she knew he wasn't human."

"Her surprise must've been big when she found out that she made first contact with Vulcans almost 70 years earlier," he smiles.

"It's just sad she couldn't tell anyone. It must've been very hard to never talk about her experience."

He nods thoughtfully. "I have to admit I never really thought about how hard it had to be for her."

"Maybe she talked to Shannon about it," Kathryn jokes. "And that's why Shannon lost her job and ended up in Indiana."

"Whatever you say, Aunt Martha," he says with a wide grin and she chuckles.

Resting her hand on his arm, she looks seriously at him. "You should tell Tom about what happened to Rain after we left. I'm sure he would love to hear it."

"I'll tell him at his New Year's Eve party."

She rolls her eyes. "You mean his 'this-sounds-more-like-a-prom-than-a-New-Year's-Eve-party'."

He laughs. "Yes." Sobering, he looks at her. "But I'll see you there?"

"Of course. How could I miss it?"

"Good. Save a dance for me, will you?"

"You'll be the first on my list," she promises and squeezes his arm.

Pulling her hand away, she gets quiet while he smiles to himself, feeling the tingle of anticipation roam through his body. Shifting, he sees how she stares dreamily at the family portrait of Shannon; the same picture she received on the first Ancestor's Eve on Voyager.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks gently.

"That it's a large family," she answers just as gently.

"It is."

"Do you know their names?"

"I somehow knew you would ask."

He takes out another PADD.

"You did your homework," she smiles.

"I did. The picture was taken on Shannon's ninetieth birthday. It shows her children and grandchildren. The man right behind her is her oldest son, Frank. To his left is his younger brother, Ian, with his wife, Karen. The blonde girl on the right is their daughter, Charlotte and her brother, Andrew. On the bench, holding Shannon's hand, is her daughter Lauren. She's the mother of the two children to Shannon's right. The girl's name was Matilda and the boy's Kieran. Not in this picture but in this…," he hands her another PADD with a different picture. "…is the rest of her family."

Kathryn looks closely. "She's wearing the same outfit."

"It was also taken on her birthday. The blonde man who has his arm around her shoulder is Lauren's husband, Matthew. That," he points at a tall, black-haired man. "…is Henry's son Jason and his wife Nora."

"Jason?"

"You really don't know much, do you?"

"I only know what Aunt Martha told us and you know how much of that is true."

"Henry had a son from a previous marriage."

"What happened to his mother?"

"She died when he was very young."

"I didn't know…"

"Jason and his wife became highly decorated scientists. They didn't have any children, just like Shannon's son Frank. He married a woman, Claudia, but she died only three years after their wedding. He never married again. Henry Janeway passed in 2039."

"Quite a family."

"Very impressive," he agrees. "Your family descendants from Lauren Janeway." He points at the woman on the bench in the first picture.

"You looked it all up?"

"It's interesting," he shrugs.

"Having three children while working on the Millennium Gate, I don't know how she did it."

"She was only a consultant. And she wasn't alone. Henry was there, and Jason, who was already a teenager."

"Right."

She gets quiet and he notices her mood changing back to how it was when he has entered her office.

"Kathryn? What is it?" he asks softly.

"Oh, it's nothing," she brushes him off, a little too harshly. "It's a lot to take in for one evening," she says more softly, gesturing at the PADDs on the table.

He knows that isn't the real reason for her strange mood but decides not to push her and nods simply.

Laying the PADD he is holding aside, he changes the subject. "It's sad Henry had to close his bookstore."

"He reopened it at the Millennium Gate," she says as if he should know.

"He did?" he asks surprised.

"Yes," she nods. "I thought you knew."

"I didn't. I thought he had to close it so that the Gate could be built."

"Yes, he did, but he reopened it and if you can trust aunt Martha, Shannon made sure he got the biggest and best place at the whole Gate."

"Have you ever been there?"

"To the bookstore?"

"To the Gate. Does the bookstore even exist anymore?"

"I visited the Millennium Gate only once, with my elementary school class. As for the bookstore, I'm pretty sure I once heard that it's still there, run by a distant relative of ours. You could ask Aunt Martha if you're interested."

"I might do that one day."

She looks at him and he can see in her eyes that she has an idea. "What about tomorrow morning? I know you're not celebrating Christmas but if you feel up to a whole bunch of Janeways you can join me and ask her then."

"Are you sure no one would mind? It is a family gathering after all."

She lays her hand on his. "Of course not. They all love the stories about our ancestors and especially about Shannon and if you tell them what you have found they'll never let you leave."

"I did it for you, not your family."

She smiles, touched. "Still, they would love to hear it, too."

"Okay, I'll come. And if the bookstore still exists," he closes his hand around hers. "...we'll go to the Millennium Gate after Christmas."

"It's a date."

For a moment they smile quietly at each other.

"It's late," she says, letting go of his hand. "Why don't we go to my place and I make us some dinner?"

He grimaces. "I'd love to but I'll cook, okay?"

"Sounds fair," she smiles and together they gather the PADD's, put them back into the case and leave her office arm in arm.


	7. Chapter 7

_December 19_ _th_ _, 2000 – Pasadena, California, Earth_

Shannon sat at the window in the living room, feet up on the window sill, playing the latest video game she'd gotten from one of Rain's friends.

She noticed that it was getting dark around her and, raising her head, she saw that the sun was about to vanish behind the building on the other side of the street. She knew that meant that Cooper would be home soon and so she ended her game and closed the computer. Rising, she laid it on the comfortable chair and walked into the kitchen. She had decided to make homemade pizza that day and had bought everything she needed earlier.

She had come to thank Cooper for his hospitality by playing the housewife. She kept the apartment clean, cooked and ran errands for him. It wasn't what she had envisioned when she had left Alabama a couple of months earlier, but she was used to the fact that her life rarely turned out the way she expected it to.

Rolling out the dough, she thought back to the night she and Rain had celebrated Rain's new job. It had been a turning point in both of their lives, Rain was about to do what she had dreamed of for a long time, and Shannon had realized that the time to make a radical change had finally come. Even though Rain had tried to stop her, Shannon had gone to her boss the morning after and had told him about her wish of working at a Mars project. He hadn't wanted to see her leave, she was a valuable member of the engineering team, but he couldn't deny her the opportunity to at least try and so he had made many phone calls, did the best he could, given her excellent references, but in the end he had failed. She knew she had to quit then and there or she would never leave.

Glad to have that chapter of her life closed once and for all, she packed her things and moved back to Houston. With newfound enthusiasm she began to look for a job but there weren't many jobs available for engineers in aerospace. Not in Houston, not anywhere else. She realized she had been naïve to think she would find a new job easily and since she'd had to pay for two apartments during the previous several years she hadn't had much money saved. She began to do little jobs to earn some money but it wasn't nearly enough and so she had to give up her beloved apartment after all. Discouraged, and with her last drop of gas, she had arrived in Pasadena to stay at Cooper's place.

As much as he had felt sorry for her, it was evident that he liked to be her host, and he was happy at the prospect of her finding work nearby and living close to him. For her, however, it was clear that she was only in the area temporarily and was still looking for a job somewhere else.

To contribute money while she stayed at his place she worked as a waitress at a local coffee shop. It was good work, but with every passing day she longed more for a task that would fulfill her.

Like Rain had, she thought as she spread tomato sauce on the dough. With the job at the Cassini mission Rain had won in the lottery and Shannon was sure Rain had a great career in front of her. If only she wouldn't feel so guilty, Shannon thought and sighed. Rain blamed herself that Shannon had lost her job and it took more and more effort from Shannon to convince her that it wasn't true. She was glad to have moved on and, somehow, she knew she would find her way. She always had.

Her hands stilled and she looked at the pizza. She didn't know what Cooper wanted on top and, taking the phone, she dialed his number.

#

Meanwhile Cooper was just getting ready to leave the office. With particular thoroughness he cleared his desk because, unlike Marvin who still had to work a couple of days, it was Cooper's last day before the holidays.

"You're visiting your parents, right?"Marvin asked, looking up from his computer.

"I am. Tomorrow evening I will sit in my parent's dining room, eating one of my mom's infamous dishes. What about you? Got your ticket to fly home for Christmas?"

"Yes. I'll fly on Friday."

"Your mother is excited?"

"Of course. She told every neighbor within five miles that I'm coming," Marvin chuckled.

"Well, that isn't many if you think about it," Cooper laughed.

"That's true. Perhaps that's what always makes it weird to go back."

Cooper opened his mouth to respond but his phone interrupted him. "Sorry," he apologized before answering it. "Hi, there."

Marvin didn't need to know who was calling, he could see on his friend's face. Consciously or not, Cooper smiled the same happy smile he always smiled where Shannon was concerned. Shaking his head slightly, he watched his friend talking about pizza toppings. To him, it was obvious that Cooper was in love with Shannon and he couldn't understand why Cooper hadn't told her. Maybe he needed to be forced to try his luck, he thought and leaned back in his chair.

"Shannon is making pizza today," Cooper told him after he had hung up the phone.

"Aha."

"What?" Cooper frowned as he saw the look on Marvin's face.

"Nothing," Marvin answered, but Cooper knew he didn't mean it.

"Come on, spill it."

"It's just…"

"Yeah?"

"She doesn't know what you feel for her, Cooper."

"I don't have feelings for her," Cooper snapped, a little too defensively.

"Yeah, right," Marvin said sarcastically, leaning forward and rested his arms on his desk. "You like her. Don't deny it."

"I don't have to deny anything, because there is nothing to deny."

"How long have you been pursuing her?" Marvin said as if Cooper hadn't spoken. "Ten years?"

"I'm not 'pursuing' her. It's just nice to have someone around."

"Sure," Marvin nodded with even more sarcasm. "Don't you think you should tell her? She will find a new job sooner or later and then she will leave you if you don't."

"I can't simply go to her and tell her," Cooper responded, not bothering to try to lie any longer as it didn't seem to work.

"Why not?"

"She doesn't have a clue."

"One more reason to tell her."

"I can't. She's four years older than me."

"So what?"

" _So_ _what_?" Cooper repeated. "What if she rejects me? I don't think I could live with that."

"Don't you want clarity?"

Cooper shook his head. "The risk is too great."

"Why are you so sure that she doesn't want you? You're the person she goes to when she's in trouble. You should give it a try. Tell her."

"I don't want to lose her."

"I doubt you could ever lose her. You're her best friend."

"How do you know anyway?" Cooper asked, leaving Marvin's words uncommented.

"It's quite obvious."

"Then why doesn't she see it?" he prompted.

"I'm not sure," Marvin shrugged.

"Perhaps it's because she doesn't feel the same…"

"Even if she doesn't, don't you want to know? No matter what her answer will be?"

"I don't know," Cooper sighed.

"Just think about it," Marvin said, bringing the topic to an end. "You'll do the right thing," he added as a last thought as he saw Cooper sitting there quietly and looked back at his computer screen.

On his way home Cooper did think about Marvin's words. With surprising precision Marvin had said aloud what Cooper had suppressed for a very long time. At some point, the sheer possibility of telling her hadn't crossed his mind any longer, as if it hadn't been an option, and he had been fine with it.

At least he thought so, he had to admit because his feelings for Shannon had influenced his life on a large scale. Not only did he have only a couple of short-lived relationships, he also put his life on hold whenever she went through a crisis in her life. It wasn't her fault, though, she never asked him to do as much as he did for her; he did it voluntarily. And he hadn't questioned his behavior. Until now.

He suddenly realized how useless his behavior was and that all the time he had been waiting for her had been wasted because he was sure that she didn't share his feelings. She probably never had. So why was he waiting at all?

Marvin was right, he thought and shifted in his seat. He should tell her, to have clarity, to be able to go on.

Of course he could go on without telling her, but he wanted more and there was still the small chance that she did feel something for him. And she was here now, he thought, she was here and she was free. There won't be a better time.

He arrived at his building, parked his car and saw his illuminated windows. He could tell her, he told himself. He just had to overcome the fear of losing her.

Breathing deeply, he left his car and walked to his building. When he opened the door to his apartment, a delicious smell reached his nose.

"You're just in time," Shannon called out of the kitchen. "Dinner's ready."

"I'm right there," he called back and slipped out of his jacket and shoes.

Despite trying to stay calm, his heart began to beat faster as he walked into the kitchen. She was cutting the pizza into slices and turned her head and smiled at him. Without warning, the realization that he could never find the courage to tell her, that he could never risk losing her, hit him like a blow in the stomach.

"Is everything all right?" she asked as her smile vanished.

He nodded, his mouth suddenly too dry to speak properly. "Yes."

She looked at him, not quite convinced. "Then let's eat," she suggested nevertheless and they sat down.

Disappointed in himself, he wasn't hungry anymore. To not let it show, he nibbled at his pizza but the atmosphere was tense and he couldn't bring himself to look at her directly.

"What is wrong, Coop?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Did something happen at work?"

"No."

"Is it me?"

He looked up, surprised.

"It is me," she said, misreading his reaction and laying her slice of pizza on her plate. "Is it because I'm still here?"

"No."

"You don't need to lie. I overstrained your hospitality." She wiped her mouth with her napkin.

"Shannon, it's all right," he said harshly. "You can stay here as long as you need."

She shook her head. "I should've left weeks ago. It's much more difficult than I thought to find a new job, though."

"You'll find a job."

"Maybe I'm too picky."

"You're not…"

"I am."

"You're exacting. There's nothing wrong with that."

"If you have nothing, like me, it's wrong."

"You have friends who are helping you…"

"On a short term it's all right. But not for months. I should lower my expectations and I should accept that I'm no pioneer. I won't change the future."

Cooper couldn't follow her and frowned deeply. "Wha…"

"I put everything on one card and I lost."

"You did the right thing."

"I'm starting to doubt it."

"Stop it."

"I have looked for a job everywhere…"

"You'll find a job," he repeated, more firmly.

"Sometimes it feels… Sometimes it feels as if nobody wants me."

"I want you." His words surprised him as much as they surprised her. "I love you."

She put her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with shock. "I had no idea," she breathed.

"I figured."

"How long?"

"Since we met," he shrugged.

"All those years?" she asked, tears glistering in her eyes.

"All those years."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Would it have changed anything if I had?"

She exhaled and looked sadly at him. "No, probably not."

"See. And I didn't want to be a burden."

She reached out, but stopped, not knowing if she should touch him. "You're no burden. You helped me a great deal." She sat back, thinking what she should do now. "I can't stay here."

"You can."

"I shouldn't."

"Where do you want to go?"

"To Florida. I can stay at Susan's."

"You will spend Christmas in your car."

"That's okay. I'll be in Florida for New Year's."

"Stay. At least for Chanukah. My parents' invitation still stands and you could go after the holidays."

Shannon smiled, touched. She knew his parents wouldn't mind but she didn't want to interrupt their family gathering. "I really shouldn't."

Tears sprang into his eyes. "We'll see each other again, won't we?" he asked desperately. "You won't leave now and never call or write a postcard or something, will you?"

"Of course. I'll call and write postcards and come and visit."

"Then you could stay," he tried, knowing it would be worthless.

"I don't belong here," she said gently.

He looked down, knowing that she was right. "I better leave now. I can go to my parents today. You can stay here while I'm there."

She nodded. "I'll be gone before you come back."

"Let me give you money for your trip."

"No," she shook her head firmly. "You don't have to do this."

He looked at her, a sudden flicker of amusement crossing his face. "We both know you won't take the straight route to Florida. I'm sure there is some cave in Alaska you haven't seen yet."

She couldn't stop a chuckle from emerging her throat. "Thanks for everything, Cooper."

"You're welcome."

They rose and before he had the chance to react she embraced him.

"You're a great guy, never forget that," she said, hugging him tight. "I know you'll find a girlfriend whom you deserve, who'll make you happy."

He swallowed hard and nodding once, he stepped back from her embrace and left without another word.

For a few minutes Shannon stood stoically in the awfully quiet apartment, trying to comprehend what just happened. Why she never noticed his feelings was beyond her but she knew that, even if she had hurt him, she had done the right thing by turning him down. She just hoped he would see it the same way one day.

Sitting down, she tried to plan her future but couldn't think straight. She could sort out her life at her cousin's, she thought, and find out there what she wanted to do. For now she just had to decide which route she should take to Florida. Everything else would follow.


	8. Chapter 8

_December 25_ _th_ _, 2379 – Gretchen Janeway's house, Bloomington, Indiana, Earth_

"You brought a man?" Phoebe's eyes are wide while she looks at her sister. "I never thought I would see this day."

"I did not bring _a man_ ," Kathryn replies instantly, busying herself with putting the bowls on the tray. "It's Chakotay."

"Have you seen him lately?" Phoebe asks as if Kathryn is blind. "He _is_ a man. And a very handsome one, no less."

Kathryn sighs. She has lost count of how many times they've had this conversation during the last year. "We are…"

"…friends," Phoebe completes and rolls her eyes. "And only god knows why."

"He joined me because he has found something very interesting," Kathryn justifies herself. "And you met him before so stop acting like that."

"I did," Phoebe has to admit.

"See. And today is no different." Kathryn takes the tray and walks to the door.

"Oh, I think it is."

Something in her sister's voice makes Kathryn stop in her stride and the hair on her neck standing on edge. Tense, she waits for her sister to continue.

"Aunt Martha's walking stick."

Kathryn's mouth opens and her face pales. Without replying, she hurries into the living room.

#

"Who are you?" the elderly lady who could only be Kathryn's Aunt Martha demands.

Chakotay looks around, searching for Kathryn, but only sees Phoebe's husband, their three children, and Kathryn's cousins Claire and Caroline.

"I asked you a question," Martha says with a stern glance and pokes her walking stick into his chest.

"Chakotay," he says, taken aback. "I'm with Kathryn." He cringes at his words.

"You're with Kathryn, huh?" she repeats.

"I'm _here_ with Kathryn," he says hastily. "I'm not _with_ Kathryn."

"Why not?" She pokes him again, harder this time. "Isn't she good enough for you?"

"No _._ _Yes_. She is. I mean she would be."

She narrows her eyes. "Then why are you here?"

"I… uh…," he stammers and can't understand why he is so intimated by the elderly woman who doesn't even reach his chin. To his relief Kathryn enters the living room and sees his distress.

"Martha, it's Chakotay," she says, coming to his aid. "My former first officer. You know that."

"And what is he doing here?" Martha asks, scrutinizing him thoroughly.

"He has found something amazing about Shannon O'Donnell that he wanted to show you."

"Shannon O'Donnell, huh?" she huffs. "What has he to do with Shannon O'Donnell?"

"Nothing, but he has found information about her life by accident. You'll love it, trust me."

Martha's expression doesn't change. "So you're here because you have found something about Shannon O'Donnell?"

"He is," Kathryn answers for him.

Martha continues to stare at him and he glances pleadingly at Kathryn but she is at her wit's end too. To their luck Phoebe enters the room, accompanied by her mother, who immediately sees what is going on.

"We all want to hear what you have found, Chakotay," Gretchen says, placing the dishes she is carrying on the table. "You can show us after we've eaten." He nods and she looks at her sister-in-law. "Martha, would you please help me in the kitchen?"

Martha shoots one last warning glance at Chakotay before she follows Gretchen out of the room.

"You're okay?" Kathryn whispers when they are out of sight.

"I think so."

She smiles at him and walks over to Phoebe to help her set the table. Chakotay exhales, glad to have a break though suddenly someone tugs at his pant leg. He looks down and straight into the eyes of Phoebe's eldest daughter.

"Are you Chakotay?" she asks with a small voice.

"I am."

"You were with Auntie Katie on Voyager?"

"I was."

"Do you have children?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I haven't had time."

"No time?" she frowns and Chakotay sighs, knowing he won't get a break.

He walks over to the couch and the little girl follows him.

"What's your name?" he asks as they sat down side by side.

"Helen."

"I just haven't had the time for children, Helen. I was in Starfleet and then I was with your Aunt Kathryn in the Delta Quadrant."

"And now?"

He chuckles. "Why are you so interested?"

"Because we have a new baby and she's sweet." She points at her father who holds the youngest member of the Janeway family. "Her name is Lucy. She cries a lot but only because she can't talk yet. She needs to learn to talk."

As if on cue the baby starts to cry and Phoebe takes her and leaves the room. "I'll be right back," she says to her mother who reenters the room, Martha in tow.

"You know a lot about babies," Chakotay says to Helen.

"Mommy and Daddy told me when Sarah was being born and they told Sarah when Lucy was being born."

"I see."

"And I have to know all this because I'm a big sister, just like Auntie Katie."

"You love your Aunt Kathryn a lot, don't you?"

"Uh-huh," she nods firmly, her brown ponytail bouncing up and down.

"I know that she loves you, too, and I still remember the day she got the letter from your mom, telling her that she was an aunt. She was very proud and showed everyone the picture of you as a newborn."

"It was on Voyager!"

"It was."

"Mommy always told me stories about my Auntie Katie on Voyager far away."

"She did?"

"Yes. She missed Auntie Katie very much."

"I'm sure Kathryn missed your mommy, too."

"Of course I did," Kathryn says, suddenly behind them. "She's my little sister."

"Do you have a sister, Chakotay?" Helen asks.

"Actually I do. I have a younger sister."

"Does she have children?"

Chakotay smiles, amused by Helen's enthusiasm for babies. "She has two children."

"Then you're an aunt, too!" Helen cheers in utter delight and Kathryn can't hold back and bursts out laughing. Chakotay presses his lips together and tries to look hurt but Kathryn sees his twinkling eyes and knows he is close to laughing out loud, too.

Helen doesn't understand what is so funny and look from one to the other.

"He's an uncle," Kathryn tells her, patting her hair.

"Uncle?" she frowns, confused. "What is an uncle?"

"An uncle is the male form of an aunt. He can be the brother of your mom or dad, or the husband of your aunt."

"Do I have an uncle?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because your dad is an only child, your mom and I don't have a brother and I don't have a husband."

Phoebe hears this as she enters the room and snorts loudly.

Kathryn shoots her a glare. "What?" she says sharply and Chakotay watches the two with interest.

"Nothing," Phoebe shrugs innocently and lays the now content Lucy in the cradle.

Kathryn narrows her eyes but before the two can go on Gretchen interrupts them. "Stop you two and come here. Breakfast is ready."

"I want to sit next to Grandma!" Helen calls out and rushes to Gretchen.

"No!" Sarah gets up from the floor and runs as fast as her small legs can to her sister. "I Gramma!"

"No," Helen shakes her head. "I sit next to Grandma!"

"I Gramma," Sarah refuses.

"Each of you can sit on one side," Jeff says, bringing order into chaos quickly, though he doesn't know what he is going to do when Lucy joins the chaos one day.

Kathryn watches him helping the children on their chairs. "She says she loves me but it seems that she doesn't love me enough to want to sit next to me," she laughs as Jeff puts Helen on her chair next to Gretchen.

"I would like to sit next to you," Chakotay tells her. "As long as we're sitting as far away from your Aunt Martha as we can," he adds in a whisper.

"I think we can arrange that," she whispers back, and with a smile, he rises, rounds the couch and accompanies her to the table.

"I hope you brought an appetite," Gretchen says as they all settle down.

"Oh yes, I'm famished," Phoebe says, looking with hungry eyes at the food, and starts to fill her plate without further delay.

The others follow her example and as they eat the air is filled with loud chattering. Even though Chakotay isn't shy, he stays unusually quiet as he listens to the joyful banter and it pains him to realize that he isn't really part of the family. He begins to feel out of place, as if he doesn't belong there, and he wishes it could be different because, as much as he enjoys being Kathryn's friend, he has never given up on hoping they could be more one day. She seems to be unaware of his feelings, however, and sometimes it feels as if she has moved on and his hoping and waiting is pointless.

He suddenly feels her hand on his leg, giving him an encouraging pat. She knows him so well, he thinks, she intuitively senses that he feels uncomfortable and he can't help but smile. At moments like this he is sure that his patience will be rewarded one day. She just needs some time to settle into this new life on Earth and come to terms with herself.

Feeling better, he joins the conversation and is surprised by the fact that Kathryn's cousin Caroline is an archeology professor. They talk about her latest project and he tells her about the Distant Origin Theory. Intrigued, she wants to know every detail and, engaged in conversation, they finished their breakfast.

After everyone is done, Gretchen rises from her chair. "Let's get this into the kitchen…," she says, gesturing at the mess on the table. "...and then it's your turn, Chakotay."

He nods and stands up to help.

"Can we go play?" Helen asks her grandmother.

"Of course," Gretchen says and Helen and Sarah rush to their toys.

While the adults clear the table, Chakotay keeps an eye on Aunt Martha and doesn't see that Jeff has taken Lucy out of the cradle.

"Would you take her for a moment?" Jeff asks and hands him the baby without waiting for a response. "We've all been through this," he adds quietly with a wink and turns to help the others.

Chakotay settles the baby against his chest and frowns at Jeff's comment. He doesn't understand it and with the baby in his arms he can only stand around and watch.

"I can get your PADDs," Kathryn offers as she passes him.

"That would be nice, thanks," he smiles and as soon as Kathryn has left the room he sees Martha walking towards him.

"So you found something concerning Shannon O'Donnell, huh?" she asks insistently.

"I did."

She narrows her eyes and he braces himself. To his surprise she keeps her walking stick on the ground and he realizes why Jeff has handed him the baby. Lucy is a shield to protect him from being poked.

"Kathryn is getting the PADDs and then I'll show you," he says more confidently.

"Why did you look for information about Shannon's life at all?"

"As Kathryn said, I found them by accident…"

"By accident, huh?" she asks disbelievingly.

"Yes. Well, at first it was by accident then…"

"Then what?"

"Then I got curious because Kathryn told me about her a couple of years ago."

"Kathryn told you about Shannon?"

"Yes, she did." He looks around and sees that the others aren't ready yet. "You know, why don't we wait until everyone can listen?"

"Why don't you tell me now?" she asks, demanding an answer.

"Because I would have to tell it twice if I did," he says and tries not to flinch. The words are out of his mouth before he can prevent himself from saying them.

Without saying another word, she gives him another thorough glance and leaves. He doesn't know if that is good or bad but he is glad that she doesn't question or poke him any longer.

"Thank you for helping me out," he whispers to Lucy, patting her back gently.

"Found a new friend?" Phoebe teases him as she comes to him to check her baby.

He smiles at her. "I think I did."

"Good for you. Just let me know if she starts to bother you."

"I doubt she will. She's sweet."

"You say that now but wait until she gets hungry."

"I survived watching a hungry human/klingon baby once," he chuckles. "I doubt Lucy can be worse."

Phoebe laughs. "Yeah, Kathryn told me the story about you and Miral." She looks at her baby resting peacefully against his chest. "You seem to have quite a way with children… ever thought of having some of your own?"

"Your daughter asked me the same question earlier."

"Helen?" Phoebe asks amused.

"Yes. Why is it that everybody wants to know?"

"You're a nice guy," she shrugs. "I'm just curious why you haven't got a family yet."

"When do you think I would have the time to start a family? In my Maquis years? Or in the Delta Quadrant where we didn't know what was awaiting us around the next corner?"

"Well, that answer is familiar to me."

"She's right about it."

"Perhaps."

"So stop pestering her."

"How do you know?" Phoebe is visibly surprised.

"She told me about some of your conversations."

"She did?"

"Yes, she did."

"I just want her to be happy," Phoebe defends herself.

"Just because you're happy with a large family doesn't mean that she would be happy with it."

Phoebe doesn't respond and purses her lips.

"You have no idea how hard it was to come home after seven years of being in the Delta Quadrant," he explains gently. "You don't know what we've been through. It's not as if you can flip a switch, it needs time; _she_ needs time. So give her the time and stop bothering her."

Phoebe sighs and nods. "Okay. I'm sorry. I will stop."

"She will be pleased to hear that."

"Don't you dare tell her!" she lowers an all too familiar glare at him.

"I won't," he grins.

"And I still want her to be happy."

"Don't we all want that?"

"She's always happy when she talks about you…"

"Is that so?" he asks as neutral as he can.

"It is."

"Well, we're best friends so…"

"Friends?" Phoebe exclaims and rolls her eyes. "You two cannot be helped." She throws her hands in the air and walks away.

He chuckles and shifts Lucy. "Your mommy has her heart in the right place," he tells her quietly. "She just tends to poke her nose into things that are none of her business."

Raising his head, he sees that Kathryn is coming out of the hall with his case and that the family is gathering around the table.

"Why are you standing around, Chakotay?" Gretchen asks, refilling the coffee cups. "Come here, we're waiting."

He quickly joins them and Kathryn looks at him with bright eyes. "May I?"

"Go ahead."

She turns to her family with a secretively smile and opens the case. "Yesterday, Chakotay came to tell me that he found new information about Shannon O'Donnell's life. It appears that she, before she came to Indiana and met Henry, was enthused by something none of you would guess." She pauses to increase the tension and Chakotay smiles to himself. She is obviously having as much fun being secretive as he had when he told her. "Voyager," she reveals and they watch the reaction of the others with interest. While some look surprised, other just look confused.

"Voyager?" Phoebe asks, stunned. "Your starship Voyager?"

"Yes."

"But… how?" Caroline asks, perplexed.

"I can't tell you any details, but we made a detour to the year 1996 once and Voyager was seen over Los Angeles…"

"The city?" Jeff wants to know, wide-eyed.

"Yes," Kathryn nods.

"How do you know that Shannon was enthused by Voyager?" Phoebe asks.

"She wrote this article about Voyager," Kathryn answers, giving Phoebe the PADD. "Or rather what she thought Voyager was. For her it was just an unidentified object in orbit."

"A UFO?" Jeff looks interestedly over his wife's shoulder.

"That's right."

"Were people afraid?"

Kathryn looks questioningly at Chakotay.

"I don't know," he says. "I didn't find any information on the locals' reaction."

"Where did you find the article, Chakotay?" Caroline asks, taking the PADD from Phoebe.

"It was in Shannon's FBI file."

"Did she sell it to anyone?"

He shakes his head. "I don't think so. It was added to her file after she had passed away. I would say her children found it as they went through her belongings."

"How did she find out about Voyager in the first place?"

"We don't know for sure. We suspect she saw the ship in one of the news broadcasts."

"Or she was in Los Angeles and saw it with her own eyes," Kathryn adds.

"What we know is that she looked for us. That's why she made it into the official FBI files."

"She was really interested in Voyager?" Phoebe says, amazed.

"She was," Kathryn says proudly. "And even more, Voyager changed the path Shannon's life took."

Chakotay knows that this is only speculation but decides to stay quiet. The Janeway family has shared more or less correct tales about Shannon O'Donnell for years and Kathryn seems to be no exception.

"Are you saying that it could be that, without Voyager, she wouldn't have met Henry?" Caroline asks, astonished.

"It's likely, though we don't know for sure, of course."

Kathryn hands out the other PADDs and is quickly engaged in a heated discussion about how much Voyager has influenced Shannon's life.

Chakotay wisely doesn't join the discussion and notices that Martha is surprisingly quiet. She hasn't said a word yet and with his personal shield resting against his chest, he walks over to her.

"Kathryn has told me you often talk about Shannon at family gatherings."

"We do," she says, watching her niece's absent-mindedly.

"What made Shannon so special to your family?"

"She's the first in a long line of Janeway explorers."

"I know about Janeway explorers," he can't help but smile and looks over at Kathryn who rolls her eyes at something her sister has said. Looking back at Martha, he takes a deep breath. "I'm not here today to tell you what I have found. Kathryn could have done that. I'm here to ask _you_ something," he says and she turns to him. "Henry Janeway… his bookstore… does it still exist?"

For the first time a small smile graces her lips. "It does. It's been in our family for generations," she says with pride in her voice.

"It's still at the Gate?"

"Yes. At the exact same spot Shannon wanted it to be."

"That is amazing. Thank you, Martha," he smiles gratefully.

"That's 'Aunt Martha' for you, young man," she says without missing a beat and leaves him standing alone.

Taken aback, he doesn't notice that Kathryn has heard the last bit of their conversation and that her eyes widen in surprise.

"Chakotay, you have to explain something to me," Phoebe calls out, waving a PADD through the air and he shakes himself out of his reverie.

Walking over to Phoebe, he passes Kathryn and leans into her. "We have a date," he whispers in her ear and happily sees that she shivers ever so slightly before he walks on as if nothing has happened.

#

"Hiding?" Gretchen smirks as she enters the kitchen.

Chakotay, who is leaning against the counter, nods sheepishly. "Needing a break."

"That's all right. All these Janeways together... can be very exhausting."

"You mean all these Janeway _women_ together. Are there any men in your family?" he asks teasingly without thinking.

"My husband was the last one."

His face falls. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No, no," Gretchen reassures him with a wave of her hand. "It's okay. And you're right, there are many women in this family."

"Too many," he gives an exhausted sigh. "Helen didn't even know what an uncle is."

"And you would like to change that?" she asks, raising an eyebrow and he smiles, caught.

"How long do you have feelings for my oldest daughter, Chakotay?" she asks, walking past him.

He knows how straight forward Kathryn's mother can be. "From the moment I met her," he says just as bluntly.

"Does she know about your feelings for her?"

He scratches his chin. "There was a time when I think she did, yes. Now? I don't know for sure."

"Are you going to do anything about that?"

"I don't know how many times I asked myself the same question."

"And?"

"I don't want to force her into something."

"You're a patient man, Chakotay, and very noble."

"Noble?"

"Yes, noble."

"You mean noble but fool-hearted?" he asks playfully.

She laughs. "I didn't say that. I just don't want you to wait too long. Kathryn isn't well versed in love."

"I know. That's why I have a plan."

"You have a plan?" Gretchen asks curiously.

"Nudging her along."

Her eyebrows rise. "Nudging her along?"

"Every now and then I do or say something that nudges her into the right direction."

"Do you think that helps?"

"Shouldn't I?" he asks alarmed.

"I don't know," she shrugs, thinking about it. "Is that the reason why you spent so much time learning about Shannon O'Donnell's life?"

"I did it for Kathryn, yes."

"Does she know it?"

"She does."

"Good for you," she nods appreciatively and fills fresh coffee into large pots. "You know, all those Janeway explorers fight for a greater good and tend to forget themselves. Kathryn would be very lucky to have you because you remind her to think of herself."

"So we would have your blessing?"

"Of course."

He smiles widely. "Thank you."

Gretchen smiles back and pats his arm. "Come on," she says and gestures at the couple of coffee pots. "Help me get this to the coffee addicts in the living room."

He nods and straightens. "Yes, Ma'am."

=/\=

Kathryn opens the door and as soon as Chakotay gets rid of his coat he flops onto the couch, leans his head back and closes his eyes.

"You did very well today," Kathryn chuckles while she takes her coat off.

The only response she gets from him is a groan and, taking pity of the poor sight, she sits next to him and pats his leg. "I'm sorry."

He opens one eye only to see a joyful gleam in her face. "You're not," he mutters, closing his eye again.

"I am," she says firmly but the grin widens as she watches him. "My family can be exhausting sometimes…"

"Exhausting? They're not exhausting, they're a bunch of bloodsucking vampires!"

She knows he is exaggerating and doesn't mean it so she decides to play along. "They're not that bad."

"I feel drained." He tugs at his shirt. "There's nothing left of me!"

She rolls her eyes at his dramatization. "You seemed to have a nice time with Lucy."

"She's a _baby_. Her crazy Janeway gene isn't activated yet."

Kathryn sits back, crosses her arms in front of her and raises an eyebrow. "Does that mean I'm crazy?"

He feels her glare without seeing it. "You can't tell me you don't think that your family is crazy," he answers evasively. "The way your Aunt Martha uses her walking stick is masochistic."

Kathryn can't hold back a smile. "She doesn't even need it."

"She doesn't need it!?" Chakotay yells, shocked, his eyes shooting open, and he sits straight in a second.

Now she laughs openly. "No. She only uses it to…" Sobering quickly, she looks at him. "She only uses it to test possible new family member."

"Ah." He grins smugly. "So this was a test."

"I didn't intend it to be," she says, avoiding his eyes, and he happily notices that her cheeks flush.

He decides that it's time to do some nudging. "Did I pass?"

Quickly, she raises her eyes to his and he can see her surprise. "What?"

"Did I pass?"

"Yes, you did. Why?"

"Oh, just curiosity," he shrugs and glances at her. "Your cousin Caroline seems very nice."

The jealous look on her face gives him hope that, one day, she will realize what he means to her and that his dreams will finally come true.

Now, however, she guards her emotions and he isn't sure if she does it on purpose or unconsciously. He doesn't have the time to wonder because she slaps his chest.

"Ouch," he cringes.

"I'm sorry," she says genuinely. "Did it hurt?"

He nods.

"Take your shirt off," she orders and rises.

"What?"

"Take your shirt off," she repeats and leaves the room.

"Kathryn?" he asks confused.

She sees his face as she reenters the room. "Oh come on, I've seen your chest before," she says and waves her dermal regenerator in his direction.

"Oh, okay."

He does as she commands and the skin on his chest is bright red.

"Wow, Martha has done a quite a job," she says and softly touches the sensitive, red skin with her fingertips. He inhales sharply. "Sorry," she apologizes.

"It's okay," he says, not giving away that her touch caused his reaction, not the pain.

Carefully she takes care of his bruised skin and it's healed in no time.

"Better?" she smiles at him.

He needs a moment to answer. Her fingers still lingering on his bare chest and her cute half-smile doesn't make things easier for him. "Better," he croaks.

Her smile widens before she turns and brings the dermal regenerator back to wherever she has taken it from. It gives him some much needed time alone to recollect himself and to put his shirt back on.

"Mom gave me some leftover eggnog. Want some?" she asks from the kitchen.

"Yes please."

He takes a deep breath just as she enters the room. "Still hurts?" she asks concerned.

"No, I'm fine." He forces a smile and takes his cup from her. She settles down beside him and quietly they sip at their drinks.

"This is nice," she stretches out comfortably.

"It is."

"Why don't we light a fire?"

"I can do it," Chakotay says, glad for some distraction.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" she asks teasingly. "If you do it too often I'll be bald."

"It's not like I have to rub two sticks together," he replies indignantly, but the playful twinkle in his eyes gives him away.

Smiling, she watches him and lucky for him, and her hair, the fire is easily lit and he sits down on the couch, purposefully putting some distance between them.

"Chakotay?" she starts quietly after a moment of silence.

"Yes?"

"Did I thank you for showing up yesterday? I was in a foul, reflective mood and you helped me out of it."

"I think you did, yes. And I noticed."

"You did?"

"Yeah." He nods, closing his hands around the cup. "I saw it on your face when I came into your office. You seemed… sad."

"I was angry and bothered."

He looks up. "I can see behind your façade. You were sad… inside."

She sighs deeply. "You're probably right."

"Can I help you?"

She nods and now her sadness is evidently on her face. "There's a question I was mulling over."

"Tell me."

"What if I was supposed to continue commanding Voyager and Admiral Janeway took it away from me? If it weren't for her we would still be in the Delta Quadrant and I would still be captaining Voyager."

"And I would still be with Seven…," he sighs dreamily, teasing her.

Her jaw drops. "Really?" she huffs. "I'm pouring my heart out and that's what you're thinking about?"

"I'm sorry," he looks ruefully at her.

"Would you want that?" she asks indecorously and again there is jealousy in her voice.

"Why not?" he shrugs.

"She's half your age."

"She has left me for a bald guy who'll never get old," he chuckles.

"They are quite a couple, aren't they?" Kathryn grins.

"They are," he agrees amused and straightens. "Seriously, do you think you'd be happy if we were still on Voyager?"

"Happy? Doubtful. But I would've a task. Something important to strive for."

"A greater good," he mumbles.

"Yes. In retrospect I think it was my destiny."

"Destiny?" He is surprised that she uses such a word. "I never heard you talk about destiny before."

"Or fate. Or whatever you want to call it. Since we got back I feel lost."

"I thought we were lost in the Delta Quadrant."

"Well, it turns out that we weren't."

"Because, after you had made the decision that we were trying to get home, there was only one way to go…," he muses.

"Exactly. Now, however, I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which path I should take." She lays her head back and closes her eyes. "The worst thing is, it feels as if the answer is right in front of me and I don't see it."

She can't see the hurt look on his face and how he has to pull himself together.

"Maybe you don't see it yet. Maybe this is a time in your life you have to sit back, do your job and wait for a sign."

She opens her eyes, looking at him. "I'm not a 'sit-back-and-wait-for-a-sign' person. I want to do something," she says impatiently.

"I know. But don't you think that some things in life are thrown at us?"

She grunts, dissatisfied, and he smiles.

"I don't know what to say except that I'm sure that one day you'll open your eyes and see clearly."

"You know that Phoebe is trying to get me to settle down and have a family. Maybe she's right."

"Do you think so?"

"She is happy with her husband and children."

"Would you be happy with that, too?"

"I don't know, but it got me thinking."

"About what?"

"What I will leave behind when I die."

"Kathryn…"

She raises a hand, stopping him. "It won't be as much as I think."

"You are…"

"I was the captain of Voyager and I got my crew home, yes. But else? Who would remember me as a person? The real Kathryn?"

"I would," he says earnestly, feeling her struggle. "And your mother, your sister, your entire family. They know who you are."

"There will be no one who can say my great-great-great-grandmother was the captain of Voyager."

"Is that what you want? If _I_ decide to have children, it will because of the experience of seeing them grow and learn, not because I want there to be someone around who can say 'my great-great-grandfather was first officer under the fabulous Captain Janeway'. I want to live my life the way I want, not so that a possible descendant can tell heroic stories." He sees the longing for an easy answer in her eyes. "There is no easy answer, Kathryn. You have to find out what makes _you_ happy and live your life the way _you_ want to live it; not somebody else."

She raises an eyebrow, looking at him. "I thought I broke up with the philosopher years ago."

Her words make him chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head.

"Chakotay?"

"How can I say this without saying too much…? Let's just say a Kathryn Janeway told me once that I'm a soldier _and_ a philosopher."

"I didn't tell you that."

"I said _a_ Kathryn Janeway. Not this Kathryn Janeway," he gestures at her.

She looks surprised. "Do you know any other Kathryn Janeways?"

"Don't worry, you're the original."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," she tells him. "And after your little lecture I need a coffee," she says and rises. "Do you want one, too?"

"No, but do you have more eggnog?"

"I do."

She takes his empty cup and as she leaves the room he looks after her.

"I'm right here, Kathryn," he murmurs sadly. "You only have to see me."

She doesn't need long to come back and hands him his refilled cup.

"Thanks."

Sitting down, she smiles at him. "I know one thing that makes me happy. You."

Even though he knows she means it as a friend the little flame of hope in his belly starts to burn even brighter and, taking her hand into his, he pulls her close. "You make me happy, too, and I look forward to our date."

"I do, too."

She relaxes deeper into his side, sipping her coffee and watching the flames dancing. He enjoys the feeling of being close to her and is sure that it won't be long until she will become aware of what's in front of her. She is, after all, a very wise woman.

 _The End_


End file.
